A-Z Challenge: A is for Askmen.com and Asses

So this is my first time participating in the A-Z Challenge. While I am excited to do it, I am also a little nervous because I never know what the hell may come out of my mouth. As of right now, I plan to tackle such hard-hitting, newsworthy topics as my drug addicted dog and lesbian torture chambers.

Today, I'd like to give a shout out to Askmen.com. They voted for the Top 99/ Most Desirable Women of 2012. Sadly, I did not make the list. I would get more into that, but the pain is too deep and I am still trying to recover. Anyway, the most desirable woman is (dadadada): Sophia Vergara.

Let me tell you why this makes me happy. I have an ass. Yes, that's right the secret is out. Since the time I was 8 years old, I have been teased about having a bubble butt. I don't mind. I'd rather have a bubble butt than suffer from Noassatall syndrome. This was never a big deal when I was growing up because the ideal size for women was thought to be a size 6. True, that is down from the 1950-60s size 10 or 12 that was viewed as ideal -think Marilyn or Mansfield - but it is still up from the size 0-2 that is considered sexy by women today.

I say considered sexy by women because if you notice women's magazines show what appear to be women that strongly resemble lollipops that look like all they had to eat was a Tic Tac they cut in half and shared. Seriously, I think most of them are lying down in the advertisements because they don't have the strength needed to hold up their heads.

Now if you pick up a men's magazine and check out the hotties, it is totally different. Men like curves which is illustrated by Kim Kardashian (even though she annoys the hell out of me) and  Scarlett Johansson cracking the top 10 and 39-year-old Sophia Vergara nabbing the top spot. (WOO-HOO!) Proof that women over 25 that aren't a size 2 still got it!

This all works for me because I am currently 37 and not a size 2, which, with my ass, I don't think it is physically possible for me to ever be. As a matter of fact, it was an inside joke with my ex-husband and his family who all referred to my butt as B.O.B. (Big Ol' Butt). That coupled with my preference of crab legs and creme' brule to half a Tic Tac makes it almost certain that I will never get below the once desirable size 6.

So once again to all of the people that voted at Askmen.com and chose the more voluptuous women, my ass thanks you. It is so appreciative that I am willing to overlook the offensive list of Most Desirable Women to Marry vs Most Desirable Women to Have for a Mistress. Although I have not checked those lists out yet, so if I have made either one of them, then I would like to retract my "offensive" comment and replace it with "wildly insightful and on target." B.O.B and I would be happy to pose for any pictures you may need.

Note: While looking for photos of skinny women, a website link came up and the sentence under it said: "If you have to eat, do it in front of people. They are teaching people how to be anorexic. SMH Bring on the curves and let's bring sexy back!

Versatile Blogger Award - Yeah BABY!!!

WOO-HOO! I was given another award! I found out when I was having one of the crappiest days and it totally turned my day around. I have no idea what this award is for, but I don't care, I am an award hoarder and will take as many as you guys want to give. Apparently, I get my self-esteem from them, so keep'em coming;) 


I want to give a special shout out to Ermie at Just Ermie for picking my blog (particularly because you picked it for my sarcasm). Be sure to visit her blog at: http://justermie.blogspot.com/

OK the rules are THERE ARE NO RULES! Just kidding. Here they are:

1. Nominate 15 10 others for the award and inform them with a comment on each of their blogs. OK, you are supposed to do 15 but my mom is in the hospital and I'm trying to recommend blogs I like and that haven't already received this award.

2. Create a post for the Versatile Blogger Award.

3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.

4. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself.

5. In the same post, include this set of rules. 

Seems pretty easy so here we go:

7 COMPLETELY RANDOM PIECES OF INFORMATION ABOUT ME

1.) I have 3 dogs and 1 cat, all of which have at least 4 names that they respond to;

2.) I was in a car accident, had 7 surgeries, can't read books and can barely look at a computer. I type by looking at the keyboard; I take it as a great compliment when people tell me they would never know I was in an accident/have a head injury;

3.) I appreciate why they have to do them, but the Humane Society and the ASPCA have the saddest, worst commercials. As soon as I hear the Sarah McLachlan song start I have to change the channel or run out of the room. Damn doggy and kitty snuff films!

4.) I am a die hard Red Sox fan and my favorite player in the world was Mike Lowell before he retired;

5.) I would rather have my head set on fire than get married again, which makes me PERFECT for George Clooney...just sayin.'

6.) Every time I see some idiot wearing his pants around his knees, I have to do everything in my power to keep from giving him an atomic wedgie because believe me, he deserves it!

7.) If I could trade places with anyone in the world(and I'm not going to say the bull about being happy to be me) I think I would trade places with Heidi Klum or George Clooney. They both just seem so happy, successful and to enjoy their lives. Although if I was Heidi, I would have much better taste in men... or at least date hotter guys. Did you ever see her first husband? And seriously, Seal? He dated Heidi and screwed that up?!? Moron! And if I was George, I'd probably be gay and date Brad Pitt. Well, I'd probably just use him for sex, but you get the idea.

Okay, those are my random seven. Now to pick my blogs:

 If you want to laugh visit, well, my blog, but also these great ones:

http://noisyquiet.blogspot.com/

Gwendolyn @  http://www.pullmyfunnybone.com/ 

Addman @ http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/

Flip @  http://hillblocksview.blogspot.com/

Barfly @ http://www.sssporchparty.com/

http://www.frazzledandfrumpy.blogspot.com/ 

Mama Diaries http://sherryellis.blogspot.com/ 

http://bob-lostintime.blogspot.com/ 

For the latest reviews/synopsis on horror flicks and the occasional horror flick hottie list visit:

The M'hael @ http://thehorrorclub.blogspot.com/

Fun Craft Ideas

http://lemmemakeit.blogspot.com/ 

I think you will enjoy these blogs. I know I do. There are more out there that I know I am probably forgetting right now, but I have to get up at 5:30am and drive an hour and a half to meet with Mom's doctor so I can't go through all of them right now. Besides, I don't want to accidentally mention one, have you think it totally sucks and try to take my award away. It's mine and you can't have it back!


Thanks again, Ermie! I hope the rest of you enjoy my blogs too.

Shay Lynn -Vampire Slayer

So today I was at the Convenience Center. What is a Convenience Center you ask? Well it is a place where you take your garbage when you don't have trash pick-up so you don't have to go to the dump. In actuality the Convenience Center is an inconvenience because you have to put your smelly garbage in your trunk and drive it to a place that bees convein to plot their world takeover.

After I dumped my garbage, I opened my car doors to clean out the mounds of crap I had accumulated. Hey my retainer! Just kidding. I never had braces or a retainer which makes it all the more strange that one was in my car.

Anyway, recently my dog ran away (don't cry, I found him), so I had wooden stakes and posterboard from when I went around making signs and sticking them up where Anakin (my Husky) could read them and hopefully find his way home. There was only one problem with that; I forgot that he couldn't read. Luckily humans that could read saw the signs, called and a day and a half later, Anakin was home. I went around and pulled the signs and put them in my back seat.

Anakin safe...and caught in my cat's
play house. Hope she got out first!

So  now I am at the Convenience Center and I am pulling the posterboard signs off the stakes and throwing the posterboard away. The woman next to me was throwing her garabage in the bins. I noticed she hadn't seen me throw the signs away. She only saw me with about 10 wooden stakes in my hand.

I could tell she was wondering why the hell I had a handful of wooden stakes so I casually looked at her smiled and said, "You never know when you are going to run into more vampires." She smiled uncomfortably, got in her car and drove away as fast as she could.

Shay Lynn - Vampire Slayer

I think she might have been one.

I'm Calling This Post "Haha I GOT AN AWARD And You Didn't" Because I'm Mature Like That

Oh yeah! That's right. Who's a badass little blogger?

Me! That's who.I just received an award for blogs with under 200 followers or as I like to think of it, some-of-the-best-little-blogs-you-aren't-following...yet;) It is for, as Gossip Girl describes it, the grooviest blogs.

And on that note, special thanks to Gossip Girl for choosing my blog. You rock! I am humbled that you picked it and glad that you enjoy it and more importantly, don't get offended by my spoon sharp wit and humor. Be sure to click the link below or the Liebster Blog Badge on the side of my blog so that you can check her's out too which she describes as: "1C of "Oh Hell No", 1/2C of Controversy, 1T Humor, 1t of a little entertainment and a pinch of My Opinion..."

http://myworldaccordingtomeii.blogspot.com/

So now it is my turn because there are rules and as much as I hate rules, I really like the little award thingy considering the only other major awards I have received are a Blue Ribbon in 6th grade for the Longest Softball Toss (that's a life skill that comes in handy) and an induction into the National Honor Society in high school (The boys were beating down my door after that, let me tell you! Yeah, I'm a nerd).

To accept the award you must do a few things:
1) Thank the person that nominated you on your blog and link back to them;
2) Nominate up to 5 other blogs for the award;
3) Let them know via comment on their blog;
4) Post the award on your blog.

So now, I get to choose 5 blogs with under 200 followers that I think rock and that you should be reading, in addition to mine of course. Here they are and in no particular order:


1.)The SSS Porch Party - "a unique group of noisy neighbors that share the passion to get together to party, drink, and act crazy. As you can imagine, many funny party stories have evolved over the years, and will continue well into the future. The characters and stories are narrated with text, pictures, and videos as observed through the eyes of Barfly."  http://sssporchparty.blogspot.com/

(I can't guarantee you won't get offended BUT I can guarantee you'll laugh;)

2.)Buttons Are Not Currency - I am crazy about Nellie's sensual and poetic writing style. Be careful because her words will seduce your mind, and may just capture your soul. 
http://nellievaughn.blogspot.com/

3.)Muppets For Justice - If I was given an opportunity to spend 5 minutes inside Addman's brain I don't know if I would be more excited or frightened to my very core. With titles like: Brain Shits and Fate Of The World (Or How I Learned To Stop Vegetarianism And Love The Bomb), you never know what will come out of his mouth next, but it will be funny. http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/  

4.)Pull My Funnybone - "Pull My Funnybone contains sick & twisted stories to offend and disgust you and hopefully make you laugh so hard you pee your pants." http://www.pullmyfunnybone.com/

I could try to think of something to convey how funny and offensive her blog is, but I think you should check it out for youself;)

5.) Hills Block View - This Mr. Mom describes himself as "Twice the idiot, none of the savant." http://hillblocksview.blogspot.com/
I just discovered this blog the other day and am already in love with it. Very funny! If you need a laugh, he'll supply one or ten.

Picking just five wasn't easy, but I tried to pick the ones that I know blog often and that I think have the most universal appeal. Writing at it's best. Seriously, it's worth clicking off FaceBook, Pintrest or even the porn sites you claim your not looking at and don't know how they got into your browser. Enjoy! (The blogs...not the porn, eh, the porn too. Why not:)

Ummmmm...thanks? Worst gifts I have ever received...

OK, I should totally be working on the edits for my book, but I have about as much concentration as a puppy with ADD that just sucked down a butt load of pixie sticks right now (I like to create an image for my readers...you're welcome:), so I decided to blog instead. Especially because something popped into my head that I had all but forgotten...or maybe I tried to surpress.

Have you ever gotten a gift that makes you say (or at least think) WTH? I'm sure someone has given you a gift that wasn't really you. But have you ever received one that made you think, Oh my God! What kind of drugs were they smoking when they picked this out for me?

I have received three such gifts in my life. The first, and perhaps least offensive one was probably from my ex-husband's mother. One year she presented me with a Christmas present that she thought I would just love. It was a doll on a rocking horse and was about 10 inches tall. Given the fact that I wasn't 4 years old, the sentiment was lost on me. I would've normally assumed that it was some sort of sarcasm or jab directed at me, but she also got one for her 38 year old daughter and another 30 year old friend of ours. Maybe she thought we could start our own posse. Who knows?

The next one was given to me at one of my four 30th birthday parties. Thank God I didn't have a problem with turning 30 because if I did, four parties would have made me hurl myself in front of one of those big Disney parades and let myself be trampled by any one of the cuddley, furry, gama-ray exposed, freakishly large characters we have come to love. Anyway, at one of my "surprise" parties, my sister-in-law brought one of her friends along. The girl was sweet enought to bring a present for me to the party. Someone handed me the bag with tissue paper peaking out of it. I smiled and said, "You didn't have to do this," thinking it was going to be one of those safe staples that you give to a girl you don't know; a candle; lotion; a picture frame. But no, this chick went in a completely different direction. As I pulled it out of the bag, I was literally rendered speechless-something that if you know me at all, you know that is something I have never been in my life. She gave me... she gave me a rock.

Got to love the internet. Even though
I don't have it anymore, I typed in
"Rock with painted raccoon" and Voila!

That's right. A rock.

Apparently she was at some craft fair that day and came across this rock that had a little raccoon painted on it and she thought to herself What a perfect gift to commemorate a 30th birthday! I'll bet she doesn't have one of these. And you know what? She was right.

Yet this still wasn't the most bizarre present that I had ever gotten.

No, the strangest gift I ever received was from my first boyfriend's mother and aunt. I was very close to his family. They considered me a daughter. So for my birthday, they took me to a fancy restaurant and after we ordered, they presented me with a bag with tissue paper in it. In retrospect, that should have been my first clue! I pulled out 2 shirts that were identical except for the color. They could've been considered a little whore-ish, as they were both slightly see through, but I thought, hey, I can throw a tank top under it and make it work. Then I pulled out the final gift. A sweater. Only it wasn't just a sweater... it was a cow sweater. And I'm not talking one of those funny little kid shirts with cows in a pasture. No, I am talking full on black and white look like they shaved Bessy, sowed this thing together and gave it to me.

I gazed at it with a stupid smile on my face, not certain if it was some kind of joke or a strange cultural thing I wasn't getting (my boyfriend's family was Filipino and one time they gave me what looked like a green lifesaver on a chain that I later found out was a Filipino good luck charm). Apparently, it wasn't either, which was made obvious by the many pictures they were taking, ooohing and ahhing over the black and white wonder.

A very young, teenage me with  the infamous "gift."

Needless to say, I was not expecting a cow sweater and therefore didn't have a gauged reaction ready. So I did the only thing I could. I gushed over the cow sweater. They were so happy that I liked it that they wanted me to put it on right away. I declined saying that it would clash with the other black and white clothes I was wearing and they seemed to buy that.

A part of me still thought they were kidding and was waiting for them to let me in on it. But nope, it was a planned, thought out gift. For some reason, while shopping for my birthday, they saw this little bovine beauty and thought OMG! That is SO her!

Now tell me, why on Earth would anyone, especially another woman, think someone would want to dress up like a cow? You know, unless they considered that person competition and planned to have them hit on the head, ground up and turned into hamburger later?

To this day, I still have no idea why they bought me that sweater. Cows don't even want to dress up like cows. I broke up with my boyfriend a long, long time ago so it's not like I could even ask them. To be honest, I can't be certain that I didn't end the relationship in a pre-empted effort to squash any future cow clothing or periphenalia I may receive and to avoid having to wear the sweater, which mysteriously vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. (A moment of silence please)

I know what you're thinking. You still think the rock is a worse gift, right? I will give you two reasons why you are wrong. First, with the exception of Charlie Brown, I am probably the only other person that can utter the words, "I gotta rock."

Second , the good thing about receiving a rock as a present is that you can throw it at any one that tries to give you a cow sweater!

What is the worst (or strangest) gift you ever received that made you say, WTH?

OK, I know I usually post funny stuff, but...(ok, I will still throw in something funny)

This is too good not to share. SO many people get caught up in how they have been wronged or who has wronged them (note, they rarely think about those they have wronged). Either way whether you focus on being wronged or wronging someone, I think this is great:

OK, I can't leave you without something funny. After all, I am me and as we all know, I pretty freaking hilarious;)

LOVE this! It is SO something I would I would have.

Isn't this great?

Peace, love and sarcasm!

Can Men and Women Really Be Friends?

My whole life I have had mostly male friends. Even when I was born, one of the first things I received was a welcome to the world card from my 1 year old new be-fri, Scott. I guess that is how the whole thing started.

When I was 4 years old, two boys moved into the house where my former best friend, Sherry had lived.  The day they moved in, I put on my prettiest dress, rode my red tricycle to their house, introduced myself and we proceeded to spend the day making mud pies.

Throughout the years, I continued to have more male than female friends and that still rings true to this day... or so I thought.

Recently, I saw something on one of those morning shows that you listen to only half paying attention while you are doing your hair and getting dressed before you head out the door. The subject was about whether or not men and women could really be friends.

Now, first let me say, When Harry Met Sally is one of my all time favorite movies. That statement is actually relevant, just bare with me. There is a scene in the movie where Meg Ryan (Sally) and Billy Crystal (Harry) have an argument about whether male/female friendships are possible. Sally insists that she has several male friends. Harry says she doesn't and tells her that men and women can never really be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. He tells her that even if she isn't attracted to the guy, it doesn't matter because, well the guy is still a guy and just wants to be friends with her so he can have sex with her someday. Sally is, of course, appalled.

I always watched this part thinking that the statement wasn't true. As I said before, I have lots of guy friends and am pretty certain that we are not having sex. And in the interest of truth in journalism (although I don't know that blogging counts as journalism) there has been a time or 2 when the envelope has been pushed (you know who you are and may I say, "How you doin'?")

Hey a girl has needs. Deal with it.

But, for arguments sake, and because 98% of my male/female friendships have been nonsexual, let's discuss this. Where was I? Oh, right! The stupid morning show.

So the person on this show says that while women can honestly become friends with and maintain a nonsexual relationship with a guy, men are only interested in becoming friends with women that they think they've got a shot at having sex with.

This is upsetting for several reasons. First, if it is true, it makes all that stuff I said to jealous ex-boyfriends total crap. Apparently my guy friends did all want to have sex with me. Second, it meant that a great deal of my male friends had pictured me naked, and frankly, if a large portion of men are going to be viewing my naked body, I would like it to be on the pages of Playboy...not that I would ever actually have the guts to pose for the smut mag, but still, it's the point. If I am going to be viewed naked, I want to be viewed in my natural state like the models. Meaning I want to be air brushed and have them photo shop the hell out of me. And of course, I would like to be paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for the pictures of my "body." That way I could afford to have my body nipped, tucked and sucked so that it might actually resemble the photo.

But I digress. So I want honest opinions and responses, especially from the male community. I love my guys. I have been friends with most of them for a minmum of 20 years. They are like brothers to me which besides making the whole thought of sex with them icky, it makes the whole picturing me naked thing all the more creepy. I believe they view me as a sister...and not in the Alabama "my sister is my wife" kind of way. Sorry all you Alabama folks out there, not trying to pick on you, but I gotta tell you, that crap doesn't fly in Detroit.

So come on men, and be honest. Do you have female friends and if so, are you friends with her because she is an all around great girl or because you hope one day, she'll look at you, realize she loves you and you'll live happily ever after...or at least that one night she'll get drunk enough and bang the hell out of you?

Thoughts?