Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Be Careful Not To Talk Crap When You Butt Dial

The other day I was minding my own business when I was suddenly blindsided by something that shook me to my very core. I opened my Facebook page and my friend had tagged me in the following post:

Pretty sure Shay Stone butt dialed me twice today.

At first I thought, no biggie, my butt probably had something important to say. Then the uttermost horror set in as I realized something. I do some pretty stupid shit when no one is around.

I'm not talking stupid like walking around half naked with two different socks on (although I do that) or singing Kiss in my highest Prince voice (although I do that too). No I am talking a few french fries short of a happy meal, grab the butterfly net embarrassing.

For example, I sing...to the dogs and cats. That's right, I walk around incorporating their names into songs - some that I make up; some that are real songs. The latest one I was belting out was Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe, only my lyrics went something like this:

Kunik Jeffrey
Hey Ku-nik Jeffrey,
You're so crazy,
Mama loves you so much,
You're my baby.

Yes, my dog has a middle name (how else will he know when he is in trouble?) and yes, there may be something wrong with me. And as if that wasn't bad enough, quite often I also find myself having conversations, asking them questions or seeking their opinions:

Monkey face (Anakin's nickname) should we watch Big Bang Theory or Jeopardy?

Do you guys want to have some popcorn with mom?

Cappers, (Captain Nemo's nickname) where'd mom put her keys? 

Yes, I agree.  I'd rather lick my butt then eat whatever that is he is cooking. 

And it doesn't stop there. See, you all know I sing like a rock star when no one is around (refer to my R post from April's A-Z Challenge), but, ummm, well sometimes, I, ummm, also write... out loud. OK, this is really embarrassing but because you guys are some of my closest strangers that I'll probably never meet in person, I feel comfortable sharing this. I have been told that I write dialogue really, really well. I like to think there are 2 reasons for that: 1) [Non-embarrassing reason:] I know men and women; 2) [Incredibly embarrassing reason:] I play out conversations in my head. If I get really stumped, I may say them out loud to see how they would go.

So now imagine I just butt dialed you. There is a chance that you could hear me having an argument...with myself. Hello Sybil!

Thankfully in this case, my conversation was not all that embarrassing. My friend told me it was muffled, but she overheard me discussing wanting more turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. Apparently my butt felt the need to call and tell her that. Which led me to the other thing butt dialing can reveal -the reason I can't lose anymore weight. After all, it's kind of hard to slim down when, while I'm trying to work my ass off, my butt is secretly calling trying to get more stuffing!

All in all I guess I should just be happy that I didn't talk too much shit ;)


*Christmas is coming! Don't forget my books are available:*

For the Single Ladies in your life


For those suffering from chronic pain




17 comments:

  1. I butt dialed my brother the other day, but thankfully I was driving quietly...with the radio off!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah see, unless I was trying to find an address, because we all know you have to turn the radio down when you are trying to find an address, it wouldn't have mattered for me. I still would have been singing my heart out. Sometimes I don't even sing the song that is on the radio. I sing a completely different one...I'm SO not right!LOL

      Delete
  2. Once again, I'm pretty sure we were separated at birth. I DO the dialog thing, and I call my kids "monkey heads" and I love stuffing. I also have been terrified about what I said aloud when I think my phone might have not hung up on someones voicemail, and I went into a rambling monolog, especially if I saw an attractive member of the opposite sex and I was feeling a bit randy and... and.. umm... On second thought. I have no idea what you were going through at that particular moment in your life. It was weird and I have never experienced anything similar, 'cause that would just be wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO! See I am so glad that I share these things because it seems to make others open up and makes me feel less weird. OK, maybe it doesn't make me feel less weird, but it helps me to know that you guys are as big of whack jobs as I am...which I guess makes us all normal...or really abnormal. Eh, who wants to be normal anyway. Normal is boring, right monkey face?

      Delete
  3. I assume "butt dialling" means accidentally calling someone while your mobile is in your pocket. If so, I haven't done that for ages. If my butt did dial anyone it'd probably call for help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See I'm surprised my phone wasn't the one dialing for help! What I don't get it, there is a lock on the phone. my butt had to unlock it, go to my contacts and select her. That's one talented ass I have!

      Delete
  4. I have a bad habit of making comments about certain people after I hang up with them. One of these days, I know that after my dreaded mother in law calls me, my name calling my be heard. Boy, wont that be fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've got one of those! My ex-husband took my phone and made my mother-in-law's ring tone the wicked witch's theme from the Wizard of Oz. I wan't skilled enough at the time to know how to change individual ring tones. I was always afraid she would accidentally call me.

      Delete
  5. I butt texted my Dad and it went something like this, "nnngghhhhh".

    He replied, "Having fun?"

    Embarrassing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG Dawn! How embarassing! At least you weren't with a guy that said, "Whose your Daddy?" LOL

      Delete
  6. Shay, you may butt dial me anytime. I promise you do nothing I don't do when alone with my pets. I sing to my dogs making their dinner...and MINE!!! I hold really meaningful conversations with them (if only they had a freakin' clue what I was saying). And being Boston terriers they have that head tilted to the side look as if to say, "Dad, are you sure about that shit?"

    Except the half-naked different sock thing...my feet go commando!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Chuck, they know...they may respond in a Boston accent, but they know what you're saying.

      And Commando feet? Kinky.LOL

      Delete
  7. hey shay...i nominated you for the Liebster Award. I'm sure you are probably already a multi-recipient, but should you choose to accept my expressed opinion of how awesome your blog is, please go to the following link for all the ridiculous rules required. Thanks for entertaining me!

    http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com/2012/11/blog-award-liebster-acceptance-speech.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG! Thank you so much! That is totally awesome:) I do accept:)))))) Thanks for the award and thanks for following me !

      Delete
  8. I would like to point out how extremely patient your butt is. Not only did it call me once to place an order for turkey, it waited to leave a voicemail (which most of the time even I won't do), and then called back again to let me know it wanted stuffing. At least, that was my interpretation of the muffled, one-sided conversation. Not only patient, but certainly more skilled than my ass, which can't even pick up the phone, let alone dial and talk. Congrats on a talented ass, Love. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I took a break from blogging and since coming back I am playing catch up with all my faves...as usual, this post made me lol several times. One, b/c it was funny, and two, b/c i can SO relate to your "crazy," except i 100% make up all songs that I sing to my pets and other people. Also, and this is hella-cray, i call my dog Monkey and Monkey-Face!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome back! OMG? Really! OK, well don't tell my Monkey Face that he is not unique. LOL

      Delete