WHAT has happened to dating?
OK, I know I am veering off the series of my last few posts dealing with men that are keeping you single, but I have had an overwhelming amount of people (men and women) that have asked me the same question:
WHAT has happened to dating?
It seems since we have entered the age of cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, texting, and every other means of communication we have forgotten how to, well, communicate. It seems that no one knows how to date anymore. The days of a guy calling a girl, asking her out, taking her to dinner, and then calling for a follow-up date have been replaced by vague, "Wanna hang out?" texts.
What does that even mean? Is it a date? Are we buds? Are you 12? Are we hanging out one on one or in a group? Are all of your friends going to be there? Should I invite mine? The simple text leads to a myriad of questions and frustration, and rightfully so.
To help out my single guys and girls out there I have developed a set of dating guidelines:
Rule #1: Ask her for her number, and then call her.
Don't get it through a friend or hit her up on Facebook or whatever various form of social media is your favorite. Be an adult. If you can't do this, then you are too young and immature to date. Grow a set, call her, and if the conversation goes well, ask her out.
Rule #2: Make it clear that you want to take her on a date.
Don't be vague and invite her to "hang out" or "kick it" (seriously, what are we kicking?) with you and your friends. Again, you are not a 12-year old. You're not asking her to go to the mall and walk around because you aren't old enough to drive. A date is not a marriage proposal. It is a date. Something designed for you to get to know someone. No contracts are being signed. No rings are being exchanged. Don't freak out or get all weird. If you meet someone and you like her, ask her out on an actual date.
Rule #3: Be respectful.
Don't wait until Thursday to ask her out on Friday. It implies that you were waiting for something better to come up before you decided to settle for spending time with her. It also implies that you think she has nothing better to do but sit around and wait for you to call at which time, she should drop everything to spend time with you. It is disrespectful and arrogant and starts the date off on a bad foot. If she drops everything to go out, it sets a precedent that you can always call her last minute. If she tells you she is busy, it makes you feel like maybe she isn't interested enough to go out with you. Do the right thing and ask her out giving at least 3 days notice.
Rule #4: Have a plan.
Don't call her or show up to pick her up without something in mind. Discuss a specific time and place. I always recommend having 2 or 3 ideas to choose from that you can present. Speak about it on the phone so she can dress appropriately. You don't want to show up in jeans and a t-shirt only to find her wearing a dress and heels. If you are going to do something outdoorsy, let her know. If you are taking her to a nice dinner followed by dancing, tell her. Whatever you do, make sure you take into account what she likes. Just because you are a hardcore baseball fan, doesn't mean she is. The first date should be about going somewhere that you both feel comfortable.
Rule #5: No group dates unless there are extenuating circumstances.
If possible, try not to make the first date a group date. Again, the first date should be about getting to know each other. If you go out in a group, your date may feel self-conscious, like they are being placed under a microscope. This may cause them to clam up. After all, she doesn't even know you yet. Now she has to dazzle your friends. Sure you may be comfortable and your pals may be warm and welcoming, but unless she gushed when you mentioned plans you had with a friend to go see a concert and happen to have an extra ticket available, make the first date a one on one thing. Or if you do decide to go out in a group, take her to grab a bite before (or after) with just the two of you.
Rule #6: Dress to impress.
Put some thought into the date and what you are wearing. Whether you are going to a 5-star restaurant or a football game, take pride in your appearance. I'm not saying you have to bust out a 3 piece suit, but show her that you cared enough about the date and seeing her to not just put on whatever wrinkled clothes you grabbed off the floor because they smelled the least offensive. Shower, wear deodorant, comb your hair, and look presentable for the date. That means no holey shirts or pants.
Rule #7: Make the first date casual.
Yes, it is great that you can afford to go to the fanciest restaurant in town, but if you start off with that, you kind of have nowhere to go but down. Plus many people behave differently when they are dressed up and in an environment where they are expected to act a certain way. If you want to get to know someone, you should do so in a relaxed atmosphere. That way you focus less on where you are and more on who you are with and what is being said.
Rule #8: Touch base before the date.
Look, it is awesome that you called her and made plans in advance, but just about every woman has that fear that she will get all dolled up, be sitting there waiting for you to pick her up (or meet her somewhere) and then, (Gulp!) you won't show. It's true. When it comes to first dates, our insecurities start to peek from the recesses of our brain. We get nervous and think, "he's not going to show" or "what if he forgets?"
So if it is Monday and the date is on Friday, and you haven't talked or texted at all throughout the week, give her a quick call or shoot a little text the day before or the morning of that says something like," Looking forward to tomorrow (or tonight)." It calms the nerves and lets her know that you haven't completely forgotten about her. If you have spoken to her between the time you made the date and the actual date, this isn't necessary, but if you have had a crazy week or are just the type that doesn't like to talk much before a first date, touching base is a basic courtesy.
Look, things happen - grandmas die; bosses make you work late, people get sick. You don't know her so it would be very easy to get wrapped up in something and just blow her off. It's good to be certain everything is still a go. And if it's not a go for some reason or another, have the decency to let her know. Don't just stand her up. That's so not cool!
Rules #9: Don't be text needy.
Ladies, I know you are super excited about this handsome, funny, smart new guy you met. So far, he has done everything right. Don't screw it up by texting or calling him 500 times If you are texting him every day, you are already coming off as needy and insecure. If he hasn't talked or texted you since you made plans and you want to shoot him a text the night before or the day of just to confirm, that's fine, but keep it to a minimum. You don't need to tell him every thought that pops into your head. If you do, you'll scare him away.
Keep a little bit of mystery and give his mind time to wander, think about the date, and get excited about it. He can't do that if you won't leave him alone. And do NOT under any circumstances, friend request him on FB. Nothing says, "Crazy Stalker Chick" like friend requesting him right after you meet him. There is no need to comb through his page, friends list, and decipher every post with your friends before you even go on one date. Besides, you don't know him. For all you know he may be a serial killer. You don't need to give him free access to where you live, what school you went to, where you are and who you are with, or your daily routine just yet.
Rule #10: No inappropriate texts.
Men, do not, under any circumstances text her a picture of your junk. And do not ask her to send pictures of her boobs or anything else. Let's just go ahead and say that any parts that would be covered by a bathing suit are off limits. I can't believe I even need to say this, but unfortunately, I had a guy I just met send me a full frontal naked selfie of himself and have friends that have met guys that thought this was appropriate to do. It is not.
Rule #11: Don't expect an immediate commitment.
You had the best date. Seriously, people will probably make movies one day about how it was the perfect date. That's great. But now the date has been over for like an hour and you haven't heard from him. Now it's been a day... or two and you still haven't gotten a call or text. Or maybe you have and have even gone out on 2 or 3 more dates and they have been fantastic. Now you can't help but wonder, is he seeing anyone else? Are you exclusive? Where is this going?
Before you go updating your relationship status, take a second and breathe. I get it. I'm not the kind of person that dates 5 guys at once. If I like a guy, I like him and am probably not seeing a handful of guys in addition to him. Still, there is no need to rush the whole relationship thing. Take the time to get to know someone. Go out with him a few times, meet his friends, see what he is all about before you decide this is the person you want to spend the next 2 months, 6 years, or the rest of your life with. Enjoy getting to know him.
Now, that said, he doesn't have the right to string you along forever. If you have gone out on 5 or 6 dates and you really like him, it is perfectly acceptable to ask what he is looking for before you let yourself get too attached. Is he looking for a relationship? A booty call? Or maybe he just got out of a toxic relationship and is just trying to get his dating feet wet. He doesn't have to commit to you right then, but it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page before one of you gets too serious.
Rule #12: 3rd date schmird date.
Recently, one of my friends went on a few dates that were very promising. She called me before date number 3 and was extremely nervous. They had only kissed once but she was afraid the 3rd date meant that he would want to get intimate. While she really liked him, she wasn't sure how she felt, how he felt, or where they might be heading.
Whether it was conversations among friends or polls done in a magazine somehow, people got the idea that the 3rd date = sex. Sure that may be true for some people, but it's not true for everyone or every relationship. Sex shouldn't be based on the number of dates; it should be based on how you feel. So if the 3rd date comes, don't stress or feel pressured into doing something you aren't ready to do. And while sometimes sex can be just about 2 people together in the moment, if you really like someone, talk to them before you take it to that level. Is it just sex or do you expect to be exclusive after this? Are you the only one he is sleeping with? While it might not be sexy, discussing your expectations before you get down and dirty can help to keep things from getting ugly afterward.
Rule #13: Don't expect him to pay.
Yes, it would be lovely to be taken out and not have to pay, but this is not the 1950's. Back then, most girls (women) didn't work, so it was customary for the man to pay. But today, both sexes work, the cost of living is high, and, in most cases, the pay isn't offsetting the extra money we are putting out. So if you go out, offer to pay your half. If he accepts it, fine. If he declines, be gracious. If you are uncomfortable with not paying your share then let him get dinner and offer to pay for something else like snacks at the movies. But don't, under any circumstances, let him chintz out on the bill.
One of my friends had a guy ask her to dinner. After they finished eating and having drinks, the guy told her he didn't have any money and asked her to pay for the entire dinner. There is one word for this guy - Mooch! He knew before he asked her out that he didn't have any money, but instead of canceling, he decided to put her in an awkward position. He could have told her he was broke or picked something inexpensive to do, but he didn't. He just scammed her. If a guy can't at least pay his share, then he can't afford to date.
I hope these help clarify some of the expectations and guidelines for dating in the age of technology and social media. These should get you through the first few dates. After that, you are on your own.
**Don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single women now available for Kindle and IPad at barnesandnoble.com and amazon.com**
Amazon book linkAmazon Link to Why Am I Still Single?
Author Shay Stone discusses everything from dating to Wilford Brimley in this sometimes serious, usually humorous, blog Seriously - WTH?
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Men That Are Keeping You Single - Guy Type # 2 Mr. Kryptonite
You can't explain it. You don't know what it is, but there is just something there. Some visceral, chemical, unexplainable, magnetic attraction between you and this one particular guy. Every time you see him he makes your thing ping. He has a way of looking at you, smiling at you, saying your name, that immediately sends chills up and down your spine. You can feel the adrenaline pumping and your heart rate increase as the excitement and anticipation builds. The only thoughts you are able to formulate are naughty ones. All you can think about is ripping off his clothes and doing nasty (fun) things together.
There is only one problem - he is completely wrong for you and you know it. He has some deep personality flaw that lets you know for certain you could never actually date him. Maybe he has an addiction problem that he has no interest in trying to kick, or is an over the top Mama's boy. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he is a completely self-absorbed total flake or has a major commitment phobia. Maybe you clash on too many important issues. Whatever the reason, you know that if you were ever to enter into a relationship with him, it would be a total disaster.
But still, you can't deny that chemistry. Every time you see him your knees get weak and you are powerless to resist him. He is your kryptonite.
Why he is keeping you single -
The attraction between the two of you is so strong and the sex is so good that it can begin to cloud your judgment. He is like a drug you just can't get enough. The thought of his touch makes you quiver with excitement. The verbal and nonverbal foreplay makes you giddy, like a schoolgirl about to be touched for the first time. The temporary high and release of hormones and endorphins are so intoxicating that you find yourself questioning whether or not you could actually have a relationship with him. You start to think, who needs kids? Is a cocaine addiction really that bad? So he has a wife... is it really that big of a deal?
Yes, it is that big of a deal.
Although you may not see it right away, eventually when the steam dissipates, the sweat is wiped away, the orgasms are over, and the smell of sex clears the air you'll discover you aren't left with much else. The issues you thought could be overlooked or hoped would work themselves out will soon be glaring at you as you sit across the dinner table from each other in dead silence or have a knockdown-dragout fight for the 20th time.
At first, you may "solve" the problems by not dealing with them. Whenever issues come up and a fight or deafening silence ensues, you end the fight or break the silence by having mind-blowing sex. You may even get to the point where it almost feels like foreplay. Or maybe you choose to avoid the touchy subjects altogether. What you don't do is deal with them because you know you can't.
I'll admit, when you have a primal connection like this, it is hard to just end it. You want that feeling. You fear you may not find it again. That is why it is important to be honest with yourself and explore the reason for the attraction. Do you like that he is so different from you? Is he the first guy that ever made you have an orgasm and you are afraid you won't be able to have one with someone else? Do you have commitment issues and like the safety of knowing that you would never get serious with him? Is he the first person that you have ever been able to be open with about your sexual needs and desires? Do you like that he takes control? Or maybe you like the excitement and power of knowing that he finds you so attractive and irresistible?
Whatever the reason, once you identify it, you may gain insight into yourself and discover why your other relationships haven't worked out. For instance, are you afraid that someone you could see having a future with or marrying would judge you for your fetishes or sexual appetite? Maybe you're scared they wouldn't think you were girlfriend or wife material? Perhaps you had an ex-boyfriend that was intimidated by your sexuality? Or had a parent that, under the guise of religion, made you feel like sexual urges and desires were something to be ashamed of and were bad.
Once you get to the root of your attraction, it can help you to be more open to a new relationship with someone that has similar ideals and doesn't come with too much baggage for you to entertain a commitment. You'll realize that your needs are important and how necessary it is to be open about them. By acknowledging your needs you will be able to better communicate them with your partner, allowing you to forge that connection and create sexual chemistry.
Just so we're clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking a lover. If you are single, and he is single, and you aren't ready for a relationship for some reason or another, then, by all means, take a lover. But the minute you decide you want a deeper commitment and are ready to date then you have to end it with Mr. Kryptonite. After all, if you don't get away from it, eventually kryptonite can weaken and destroy you.
Be sure to watch for my next blog post about another type of guy that is keeping you single. And don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Women now available on Kindle and for the iPad.
There is only one problem - he is completely wrong for you and you know it. He has some deep personality flaw that lets you know for certain you could never actually date him. Maybe he has an addiction problem that he has no interest in trying to kick, or is an over the top Mama's boy. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he is a completely self-absorbed total flake or has a major commitment phobia. Maybe you clash on too many important issues. Whatever the reason, you know that if you were ever to enter into a relationship with him, it would be a total disaster.
But still, you can't deny that chemistry. Every time you see him your knees get weak and you are powerless to resist him. He is your kryptonite.
Why he is keeping you single -
The attraction between the two of you is so strong and the sex is so good that it can begin to cloud your judgment. He is like a drug you just can't get enough. The thought of his touch makes you quiver with excitement. The verbal and nonverbal foreplay makes you giddy, like a schoolgirl about to be touched for the first time. The temporary high and release of hormones and endorphins are so intoxicating that you find yourself questioning whether or not you could actually have a relationship with him. You start to think, who needs kids? Is a cocaine addiction really that bad? So he has a wife... is it really that big of a deal?
Yes, it is that big of a deal.
Although you may not see it right away, eventually when the steam dissipates, the sweat is wiped away, the orgasms are over, and the smell of sex clears the air you'll discover you aren't left with much else. The issues you thought could be overlooked or hoped would work themselves out will soon be glaring at you as you sit across the dinner table from each other in dead silence or have a knockdown-dragout fight for the 20th time.
At first, you may "solve" the problems by not dealing with them. Whenever issues come up and a fight or deafening silence ensues, you end the fight or break the silence by having mind-blowing sex. You may even get to the point where it almost feels like foreplay. Or maybe you choose to avoid the touchy subjects altogether. What you don't do is deal with them because you know you can't.
I'll admit, when you have a primal connection like this, it is hard to just end it. You want that feeling. You fear you may not find it again. That is why it is important to be honest with yourself and explore the reason for the attraction. Do you like that he is so different from you? Is he the first guy that ever made you have an orgasm and you are afraid you won't be able to have one with someone else? Do you have commitment issues and like the safety of knowing that you would never get serious with him? Is he the first person that you have ever been able to be open with about your sexual needs and desires? Do you like that he takes control? Or maybe you like the excitement and power of knowing that he finds you so attractive and irresistible?
Whatever the reason, once you identify it, you may gain insight into yourself and discover why your other relationships haven't worked out. For instance, are you afraid that someone you could see having a future with or marrying would judge you for your fetishes or sexual appetite? Maybe you're scared they wouldn't think you were girlfriend or wife material? Perhaps you had an ex-boyfriend that was intimidated by your sexuality? Or had a parent that, under the guise of religion, made you feel like sexual urges and desires were something to be ashamed of and were bad.
Once you get to the root of your attraction, it can help you to be more open to a new relationship with someone that has similar ideals and doesn't come with too much baggage for you to entertain a commitment. You'll realize that your needs are important and how necessary it is to be open about them. By acknowledging your needs you will be able to better communicate them with your partner, allowing you to forge that connection and create sexual chemistry.
Just so we're clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking a lover. If you are single, and he is single, and you aren't ready for a relationship for some reason or another, then, by all means, take a lover. But the minute you decide you want a deeper commitment and are ready to date then you have to end it with Mr. Kryptonite. After all, if you don't get away from it, eventually kryptonite can weaken and destroy you.
Be sure to watch for my next blog post about another type of guy that is keeping you single. And don't forget to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Women now available on Kindle and for the iPad.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Men That Are Keeping You Single
As many of you know, I have written a book titled Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women. In it, I delve into the different personality types and how many women sabotage their own relationships without knowing it. However, sometimes, it's not just your personality type that can be keeping you single. It may have something to do with the type of men you have in your life. In this post we are going to take a look at the first type of guy that could be keeping you from a happy relationship.
Your Best Friend -
You have been friends forever (or at least it seems like it). He is so great! He is the one that has always been there for you. He has seen you at your best and at your worst and has stuck by you through thick and thin. He knows all about your crazy family, accepts the fact that you only eat M&M's in even numbers, and even tolerates your karaoke singing even though your voice makes dogs howl. When another guy broke your heart, he was there to pick up the pieces and reassure you that the guy was an idiot that didn't deserve you. He is respectful and fun. You don't have to dress up or try to impress him. You never struggle for conversation. He is the one person you can be yourself with and always count on to be there. You have even made the pact - you know the one - if neither of you are married by the time your 30? 40? or some other arbitrary age, you will marry each other.
Why he is keeping single -
He is your fake boyfriend. Everything is so easy and comfortable with your bestie and dating can be so exhausting. Who wants to go out on one bad date after another? No one seems to get you like he does anyway. Whenever you do muster up the energy to go on a date, you subconsciously (or consciously) compare every other guy to him. How can a new person you just met possibly compete with a guy that knows just what to say and when to say it; to bring you a tube of raw chocolate chip cookie dough when you're upset; that you hate yellow roses because your stupid, cheating ex used to buy them for you whenever he was feeling guilty; and that has a million inside jokes with you? You immediately set high expectations for any new guy you meet and may be disappointed when he doesn't automatically know what to do and when to do it. He hasn't known you for years and doesn't have the inside track to your soul, so it may seem like he is falling short causing you to cut him off before you ever really give him a shot. You find yourself making comparisons or thinking about how you wish your best friend was with you watching this movie so you could be making fun of the people in front of you while throwing popcorn in the air and seeing who could catch the most in their mouth before the movie starts.
And while you're not having sex (or maybe you are) there is a level of intimacy there that no other guy seems to be able to match. And if you need a hug because you're sad or need to snuggle for a minute because your freezing, he is perfectly willing to oblige. It's harmless, right?
Wrong. It is keeping you from wanting and searching for that intimacy with someone else. If you're always with him, you're not meeting new guys. Whether you are taking him to a wedding instead of going alone or are hanging together at a sports bar, a man that would normally approach you may not because he may automatically assume you are a couple. You are missing out on opportunities to meet people by unwittingly making yourself unavailable.
Now I'm not saying dump your best guy friend. In fact, I think every girl should have a best guy friend. But you do need to set up some boundaries and/or use him to you advantage. First of all, if you are having sex or the occasional drunken make out session with him, stop. He is a crutch and the comfort of knowing he is there whenever you want to connect with someone in that way will prevent you from trying to find that connection with someone else.
Next, use him to your advantage. Does he have any male friends, new work colleagues, or teammates from a softball league that he can introduce you to? Having him make the introduction will not only help weed out some bad dudes, but will also help you find one that will be more accepting of your friendship, which, let's face it, some guys have a hard time dealing with and understanding. It could be a win-win because he will have the inside scoop on the guys so you can be sure he won't set you up with some womanizing jerk and your friendship is more likely to survive the new relationship.
Finally, schedule girl time. That means he won't be your wing man at the bar. He can't go out with you and your girlfriends on certain nights. No one will be able to mistake him for being your boyfriend because it is strictly a girls only night.
Second reason he is keeping you single -
He is your "what if" guy - This is the other end of the spectrum. He is your best friend. You share everything together. Everyone thinks you are perfect together and the truth is, you probably are, but you are afraid to cross that line. After all, what if it doesn't work out? You don't want your friendship to change. That would be awful. But still, you can't stop yourself from wondering what if he is the one?
I am going to give you a little piece of advice...go for it. I know all the reasons you are going to ramble on about why you shouldn't but I'm here to tell you, do it anyway and here is why...
Let's say he starts dating another girl or you start dating a new guy. Eventually your friendship is going to change. I know you don't think it will, but trust me, it will. For fun, let's say he gets a girlfriend. He starts spending more and more time with her and less time with you. You get jealous and maybe a little angry. Is he just going to drop you now? That's not going to happen. So you try to make plans for just you and him, but his girlfriend isn't too keen on that. So you decide to tag along on some of their dates. This way maybe you can become friends with his girlfriend, and also let her know that hey, I've been around way before you and I'm not going anywhere. Only, his new girlfriend doesn't understand why you always have to be around. You two have all of these inside jokes that she isn't a part of and suddenly, she starts to feel like the third wheel. And seriously, why do you need to call him to come over to kill a spider? He isn't your boyfriend. Go get your own spider killer.
Now only one of two things can happen here: Either he ends up breaking up with his new girlfriend because she is "jealous" and doesn't understand your relationship or he distances himself from you causing you to drift apart. Ultimately the friendship has changed.
Still don't think so? Let's say he broke up with his girlfriend. Your bestie has already started to question his feelings for you. After all, he just dumped another girl for you. And you know you have already been questioning your feelings for him. It's like having a toy that you have had sitting in your room forever. It is always there whenever you want it. Then one day, you go in your room and realize it's no longer on your shelf. You go into the living room to find the neighbor kid playing with YOUR favorite toy. Now it is all you want to play with. You never realized how great it was and how much you loved it until you saw someone else playing with it. Sometimes it's the same way with people. We just assume that person that means the most to us will always be there for us because, well, they always have been. It's not until we think we might lose them that we realize how much they mean.
And again, you do compare every guy you have ever dated to him. But kissing him would be so weird. Besides you don't know if you can think of him that way. And what if you did try it and it doesn't work out? That would be awful.
But, I'm telling you, if you have ever thought what if then you need to suck it up and go for it. You owe it to yourself and your bestie to at least try it. Yes, you may be afraid and that is natural. After all, so many relationships haven't worked out. But until you are with the right one, none of them will work out. It may end up being everything you've ever wanted, but you won't know if you don't take a chance.
And If it doesn't work out, at least you will know and the question will be answered. And in time, you two may even become better friends because of it. After all, the sexual tension and that pesky what if will be out of the way. Until then, your friendship will always be tainted because whenever you and your boyfriend have a bad fight or your bestie ends up divorced from his 2nd wife, on some level you will wonder what if you two were supposed to be together? It will affect any advice you give and any decisions you make. Every boyfriend will be compared to him. He will always be in the back of your mind making you question if the one your dating is really the one.
Watch out for my next blog post where we will explore another guy that is keeping you single.
Be sure to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women available on Amazon.com and @ BarnesandNoble.com
Your Best Friend -
You have been friends forever (or at least it seems like it). He is so great! He is the one that has always been there for you. He has seen you at your best and at your worst and has stuck by you through thick and thin. He knows all about your crazy family, accepts the fact that you only eat M&M's in even numbers, and even tolerates your karaoke singing even though your voice makes dogs howl. When another guy broke your heart, he was there to pick up the pieces and reassure you that the guy was an idiot that didn't deserve you. He is respectful and fun. You don't have to dress up or try to impress him. You never struggle for conversation. He is the one person you can be yourself with and always count on to be there. You have even made the pact - you know the one - if neither of you are married by the time your 30? 40? or some other arbitrary age, you will marry each other.
Why he is keeping single -
He is your fake boyfriend. Everything is so easy and comfortable with your bestie and dating can be so exhausting. Who wants to go out on one bad date after another? No one seems to get you like he does anyway. Whenever you do muster up the energy to go on a date, you subconsciously (or consciously) compare every other guy to him. How can a new person you just met possibly compete with a guy that knows just what to say and when to say it; to bring you a tube of raw chocolate chip cookie dough when you're upset; that you hate yellow roses because your stupid, cheating ex used to buy them for you whenever he was feeling guilty; and that has a million inside jokes with you? You immediately set high expectations for any new guy you meet and may be disappointed when he doesn't automatically know what to do and when to do it. He hasn't known you for years and doesn't have the inside track to your soul, so it may seem like he is falling short causing you to cut him off before you ever really give him a shot. You find yourself making comparisons or thinking about how you wish your best friend was with you watching this movie so you could be making fun of the people in front of you while throwing popcorn in the air and seeing who could catch the most in their mouth before the movie starts.
And while you're not having sex (or maybe you are) there is a level of intimacy there that no other guy seems to be able to match. And if you need a hug because you're sad or need to snuggle for a minute because your freezing, he is perfectly willing to oblige. It's harmless, right?
Wrong. It is keeping you from wanting and searching for that intimacy with someone else. If you're always with him, you're not meeting new guys. Whether you are taking him to a wedding instead of going alone or are hanging together at a sports bar, a man that would normally approach you may not because he may automatically assume you are a couple. You are missing out on opportunities to meet people by unwittingly making yourself unavailable.
Now I'm not saying dump your best guy friend. In fact, I think every girl should have a best guy friend. But you do need to set up some boundaries and/or use him to you advantage. First of all, if you are having sex or the occasional drunken make out session with him, stop. He is a crutch and the comfort of knowing he is there whenever you want to connect with someone in that way will prevent you from trying to find that connection with someone else.
Next, use him to your advantage. Does he have any male friends, new work colleagues, or teammates from a softball league that he can introduce you to? Having him make the introduction will not only help weed out some bad dudes, but will also help you find one that will be more accepting of your friendship, which, let's face it, some guys have a hard time dealing with and understanding. It could be a win-win because he will have the inside scoop on the guys so you can be sure he won't set you up with some womanizing jerk and your friendship is more likely to survive the new relationship.
Finally, schedule girl time. That means he won't be your wing man at the bar. He can't go out with you and your girlfriends on certain nights. No one will be able to mistake him for being your boyfriend because it is strictly a girls only night.
Second reason he is keeping you single -
He is your "what if" guy - This is the other end of the spectrum. He is your best friend. You share everything together. Everyone thinks you are perfect together and the truth is, you probably are, but you are afraid to cross that line. After all, what if it doesn't work out? You don't want your friendship to change. That would be awful. But still, you can't stop yourself from wondering what if he is the one?
I am going to give you a little piece of advice...go for it. I know all the reasons you are going to ramble on about why you shouldn't but I'm here to tell you, do it anyway and here is why...
Let's say he starts dating another girl or you start dating a new guy. Eventually your friendship is going to change. I know you don't think it will, but trust me, it will. For fun, let's say he gets a girlfriend. He starts spending more and more time with her and less time with you. You get jealous and maybe a little angry. Is he just going to drop you now? That's not going to happen. So you try to make plans for just you and him, but his girlfriend isn't too keen on that. So you decide to tag along on some of their dates. This way maybe you can become friends with his girlfriend, and also let her know that hey, I've been around way before you and I'm not going anywhere. Only, his new girlfriend doesn't understand why you always have to be around. You two have all of these inside jokes that she isn't a part of and suddenly, she starts to feel like the third wheel. And seriously, why do you need to call him to come over to kill a spider? He isn't your boyfriend. Go get your own spider killer.
Now only one of two things can happen here: Either he ends up breaking up with his new girlfriend because she is "jealous" and doesn't understand your relationship or he distances himself from you causing you to drift apart. Ultimately the friendship has changed.
Still don't think so? Let's say he broke up with his girlfriend. Your bestie has already started to question his feelings for you. After all, he just dumped another girl for you. And you know you have already been questioning your feelings for him. It's like having a toy that you have had sitting in your room forever. It is always there whenever you want it. Then one day, you go in your room and realize it's no longer on your shelf. You go into the living room to find the neighbor kid playing with YOUR favorite toy. Now it is all you want to play with. You never realized how great it was and how much you loved it until you saw someone else playing with it. Sometimes it's the same way with people. We just assume that person that means the most to us will always be there for us because, well, they always have been. It's not until we think we might lose them that we realize how much they mean.
And again, you do compare every guy you have ever dated to him. But kissing him would be so weird. Besides you don't know if you can think of him that way. And what if you did try it and it doesn't work out? That would be awful.
But, I'm telling you, if you have ever thought what if then you need to suck it up and go for it. You owe it to yourself and your bestie to at least try it. Yes, you may be afraid and that is natural. After all, so many relationships haven't worked out. But until you are with the right one, none of them will work out. It may end up being everything you've ever wanted, but you won't know if you don't take a chance.
And If it doesn't work out, at least you will know and the question will be answered. And in time, you two may even become better friends because of it. After all, the sexual tension and that pesky what if will be out of the way. Until then, your friendship will always be tainted because whenever you and your boyfriend have a bad fight or your bestie ends up divorced from his 2nd wife, on some level you will wonder what if you two were supposed to be together? It will affect any advice you give and any decisions you make. Every boyfriend will be compared to him. He will always be in the back of your mind making you question if the one your dating is really the one.
Watch out for my next blog post where we will explore another guy that is keeping you single.
Be sure to check out my book Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide for Single Women available on Amazon.com and @ BarnesandNoble.com
Friday, April 11, 2014
No One is Out of Your League
"You are no better than anyone else; but you are just as good."
Growing up this was a phrase that I would hear my parents utter occasionally throughout the years. At the time, it seemed like one of those little pearls of wisdom that you don't pay much attention to like the motivational, "Can't and never could." You hear it, you repeat it, but because it is more abstract, you don't necessarily file it with the more practical advice like "Look both ways before you cross the street" or "Measure twice; cut once."
The gravity of the statement and it's impact on my life never really hit me until I was in my early 20's. I was relaying a random story to may sister-in-law about my day where I had to interact (and correct) someone in a position of power. To me it was no big deal, but as I was telling the story, I could actually see her eyes widen as she became anxious just listening to the details, causing me to stop mid sentence, look at her befuddled and ask, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
She said, " Oh my God, I could never do that."
"Do what?" I replied still unsure what the problem was. I hadn't been rude or condescending to the individual, so why was my story putting my sister-in-law on the verge of a panic attack?
"Talk to someone above my class. Someone that is better than me."
"No one is better than me," was the automated response that came out of my mouth. "I am no better than anyone else but I am just as good,"
"See you, your sisters, and brothers are all like that. I am so jealous of that. That is something your parents taught you. I wish I could think that way. I wasn't taught that way. I was taught that we all have a place."
It was the first time anyone had pointed that out to me. It wasn't arrogance on my part; it was a simple truth to me. If I wanted something (or someone) I went after it. I was never one to back down from a challenge, be afraid to ask questions, or stand up for myself or others. I often wondered how others could sit by idly as someone was bullied, would never talk to their single crush, or could remain quiet when they knew how to do something that someone else of authority might not know how to do without offering help. I had always attributed it to shyness or being an introvert, but maybe it was something more. Maybe it was something that they were taught.
This recently came up again when I was talking to a friend about leagues. My friend was telling me about a girl he liked but that he wouldn't ask out because he deemed her to be out of his league. This was a wonderful, intelligent, handsome man. It made me sad to think he was limiting himself and made realize how often people are their own worst obstacles.To me, no one is out of anyone's league. While there are always reasons a relationship may not work - having nothing in common, opposing religious views, wanting/not wanting kids - being in different leagues shouldn't be one.
I am lucky enough to be blessed with great girlfriends and fantastic guy friends. Some of which, at one point or another, have liked each other. I would always encourage the guy to ask the girl out, especially if I knew she liked him. Still many of the guys would give the league excuse. Meanwhile, the girl would be sitting home alone on Friday and Saturday nights wondering what was wrong with her.
Look, we've all seen those beautiful models with those not-so-handsome guys or some totally hot guy with some girl that would be categorized as a "Plain Jane." Why? Because they didn't believe in leagues. The truth is what the league mentality really boils down to is a fear of rejection and low self-esteem. If you are interested in someone and they are interested in you and you connect then leagues,whether social, physical, or some other won't be an issue. Instead, you will introduce each other to new experiences and grow as a couple.
To me, leagues are used as a defense mechanism or an excuse not to try. If you want a better job, work for it or get the schooling necessary. If you think someone deserves better than you, then be better. Be the kind of man or woman you think that person deserves. I'm not saying to change the person that you inherently are, because the person you are with needs to like you for you. But if you find someone you truly connect with or if there is something you really want in life, don't limit yourself and your choices because you don't think you can measure up. Instead acknowledge the real reason for your fears and doubts, toss them aside, and go for it.
Remember, if you're going to be in a league, be in a league of your own.
Growing up this was a phrase that I would hear my parents utter occasionally throughout the years. At the time, it seemed like one of those little pearls of wisdom that you don't pay much attention to like the motivational, "Can't and never could." You hear it, you repeat it, but because it is more abstract, you don't necessarily file it with the more practical advice like "Look both ways before you cross the street" or "Measure twice; cut once."
The gravity of the statement and it's impact on my life never really hit me until I was in my early 20's. I was relaying a random story to may sister-in-law about my day where I had to interact (and correct) someone in a position of power. To me it was no big deal, but as I was telling the story, I could actually see her eyes widen as she became anxious just listening to the details, causing me to stop mid sentence, look at her befuddled and ask, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
She said, " Oh my God, I could never do that."
"Do what?" I replied still unsure what the problem was. I hadn't been rude or condescending to the individual, so why was my story putting my sister-in-law on the verge of a panic attack?
"Talk to someone above my class. Someone that is better than me."
"No one is better than me," was the automated response that came out of my mouth. "I am no better than anyone else but I am just as good,"
"See you, your sisters, and brothers are all like that. I am so jealous of that. That is something your parents taught you. I wish I could think that way. I wasn't taught that way. I was taught that we all have a place."
It was the first time anyone had pointed that out to me. It wasn't arrogance on my part; it was a simple truth to me. If I wanted something (or someone) I went after it. I was never one to back down from a challenge, be afraid to ask questions, or stand up for myself or others. I often wondered how others could sit by idly as someone was bullied, would never talk to their single crush, or could remain quiet when they knew how to do something that someone else of authority might not know how to do without offering help. I had always attributed it to shyness or being an introvert, but maybe it was something more. Maybe it was something that they were taught.
This recently came up again when I was talking to a friend about leagues. My friend was telling me about a girl he liked but that he wouldn't ask out because he deemed her to be out of his league. This was a wonderful, intelligent, handsome man. It made me sad to think he was limiting himself and made realize how often people are their own worst obstacles.To me, no one is out of anyone's league. While there are always reasons a relationship may not work - having nothing in common, opposing religious views, wanting/not wanting kids - being in different leagues shouldn't be one.
I am lucky enough to be blessed with great girlfriends and fantastic guy friends. Some of which, at one point or another, have liked each other. I would always encourage the guy to ask the girl out, especially if I knew she liked him. Still many of the guys would give the league excuse. Meanwhile, the girl would be sitting home alone on Friday and Saturday nights wondering what was wrong with her.
Look, we've all seen those beautiful models with those not-so-handsome guys or some totally hot guy with some girl that would be categorized as a "Plain Jane." Why? Because they didn't believe in leagues. The truth is what the league mentality really boils down to is a fear of rejection and low self-esteem. If you are interested in someone and they are interested in you and you connect then leagues,whether social, physical, or some other won't be an issue. Instead, you will introduce each other to new experiences and grow as a couple.
To me, leagues are used as a defense mechanism or an excuse not to try. If you want a better job, work for it or get the schooling necessary. If you think someone deserves better than you, then be better. Be the kind of man or woman you think that person deserves. I'm not saying to change the person that you inherently are, because the person you are with needs to like you for you. But if you find someone you truly connect with or if there is something you really want in life, don't limit yourself and your choices because you don't think you can measure up. Instead acknowledge the real reason for your fears and doubts, toss them aside, and go for it.
Remember, if you're going to be in a league, be in a league of your own.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Betting Against Greyhounds -PLEASE Share and Help Spread the Word
Normally, I try to keep my blogs light and funny, but today I am writing about something that is very near and dear to my heart. Plus, I made a promise.
When I was a little girl my family would take annual trips to Florida. It was during one of these trips that I went to my first ever dog race. My aunt had really wanted to go and because I was such an animal lover, my parents thought I would think it was fun to watch the dogs run around the track. While they were looking over the names of the dogs and assessing the odds, I watched as the dogs were taken to the area where they would prepare to run. Most dogs I had seen up until that point had been fluffy and furry, a sharp contrast to the lean, short-haired, muscular animals that now walked the track.
The bets were placed and we cheered as the dogs bolted out of the gates and chased the mechanical rabbit around the track. My dad and aunt both won small amounts of money. Had they listened to the young girl that just loved looking at the pretty dogs, they would have won the Trifecta.
I remember that day as a fun family outing. Today, I am disgusted by it because little did I know that while my family and other patrons were placing their bets, we were betting against greyhounds.
Fast forward 20+ years. I was living in Orlando with my dog Sasha, an American Eskimo (Spitz) that behaved more human-like than well, most humans I know. My fiance' at the time and I were entertaining the idea of getting another dog. He suggested that we get a greyhound. Now, other than my experience with the track, I knew little about the breed, and truth be told, I liked my knee-high, fluff ball dogs. Still. he insisted that we go to GPA (Greyhound Pets of America) to look at the dogs. Now, I have a whole other story about GPA, but, to avoid going off on a tangent, I will refrain from getting into it now. So to keep a long story short, bottom line is I fell in love with the breed, but due to politics was unable to get one. Frustrated, I left GPA and contacted the dog track to find out if there was any other avenue I might be able to go through to obtain a greyhound.
A woman informed me that although they weren't allowed to solicit, if someone called saying they didn't want to go through GPA, she was allowed to take their name and pass it along to any trainers that might be getting rid of dogs. Score! A few hours later we received a call and took off to the track where we met a man (we'll call Dan) that brought us into a room filled with caged dogs. That's where we first met Topper.
There he was, scrunched up in his cage that was stacked on top of another cage. He did not even have enough room to stand, sit or turn around. He was stuck in a constant crouching position. His legs were so muscular from being given steroids that his stomach didn't even touch the ground. The trainer led us outside to a pen filled with mud and dog crap. It had a trough in the corner where the animals were fed. Dan walked out and let Topper off of the leash. The poor dog took off and ran to a corner shuttering uncontrollably. He broke my heart.
"He may be a little skittish because I had to use the whip... uh... weapon today," Dan said quickly correcting himself. This is something they apparently do often according to Dan. He explained they put the food in the trough and the dogs had to fight to eat.
Slowly I made my way over and Topper allowed me to approach. His eyes looked so sad. Dan informed us Shadow Rage (Topper's racing name) was the fastest dog they had...there was only one problem. When he got on the track he ran in the wrong direction, which if you ask me, made him the smartest dog too. Knowing we couldn't leave him there, we decided to take him home right then.
When we got Topper home, the first thing we did was change his name. Every time we called him, he would cower and shake as if he was going to be beaten. I came up with Apollo because it meant strong, handsome, striking boy. He seemed to like it and began answering to it immediately as if it was the name he was meant to have all along.
Next, we had to teach him how to lie down and how to sit. I mean to literally sit and lie down... not the command; the action. He couldn't do those things. The vet said once his muscles calmed down after being jacked up with steroids for so long, it would come easier to him.
Feeding him was another issue. He would grab as much food as he could, run away from the bowl, swallow it whole, then regurgitate it, and eat it. I assume this was his survival mechanism from being with the other dogs. He must have grabbed as much as he could before he would get attacked. I began hand feeding him a little at a time until he learned that no one was going to take his food away from him.
There were other obstacles we had to overcome as well like teaching him about sliding glass doors which he ran into more than once and how to go up stairs. I remember he was so excited the first time he made it to the top. For about 4 years he had watched me go up and down them while he waited at the bottom, until one day he decided today was going to be the day he tried it. I turned around and there he stood beaming with pride in the upstairs bedroom like, "Look Mom. Look what I did!" Getting him down the stairs was another story (that took another year to learn). In the meantime, I had to break my back carrying a 90lb greyhound down the stairs.
I think the biggest obstacle was getting him to trust men. From day 1, whenever I left, Apollo would run into the corner of the bedroom, cower, and shake until I got home. He even had an accident once or twice when my then fiance's friend (also a man) came over. Getting him to be comfortable did not happen overnight. In fact, it wasn't until Apollo almost tore off his leg and my fiance and I rushed him to the vet for emergency surgery that he finally began to trust my fiance and view him as his dad.
Apollo died a few years ago. He got cancer in his right front paw. It had to be amputated, but he still ran around at full speed wagging that hook tail of his. Before long, I found out the cancer had spread to his back and he could no longer walk or stand and was in pain, so I had to put him down. I know it is something that happens, but I will always believe that the wear and tear his body was put through at the track somehow contributed to his having cancer.
I do not have children. That said, Apollo is the closest thing I will ever have to a son. Some people won't get that and I feel sorry for those people. I made a promise to him that after seeing the horrors of the track and the conditions he lived in that I would do my best to educate people and put an end to this barbaric sport.
Since then, I have done even more research only to learn that most dogs are only let out of their cages for 1 hour a day, are packed in trucks and transported without air or bathroom stops for hours, which has lead to heat exhaustion and death. They are hit with whips/weapons and pumped full of steroids. Puppies are assessed to see which ones are thought to be the best performers (farm culls). The others are killed. As are thousands of the dogs that are not re-homed or sold to animal testing labs.
I wanted to tell you about Apollo so that you could see the face of an amazing dog, friend, and loyal companion. This is for you Big Dog :) Thankfully, I no longer live in a state that condones greyhound racing. If you do, please start a petition through Change.org and urge as many people as you can to sign it. You must live in the state that has it in order to start it. And please pass this article along to help educate others. These are beautiful, graceful, living, breathing beings. Not bets to be placed. Thank you.
If you would like more information here are more articles citing the barbaric practices and a list of states that still have greyhound racing. Please help spread the word.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-bershadker/the-abomination-of-greyho_b_4905456.html
http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/greyhound_racing/facts/greyhound_racing_facts.html
http://www.animal-rights-action.com/greyhound-dogs.html
States that still allow greyhound racing:
Iowa
West Virginia
Arkansas
Texas
Arizona
*Alabama
*Florida
*Alabama and Florida are considered the worst because they do not have to report injuries that occur (broken bones, fractured skull, paralyzation, etc).
**Update: As of November 6th 2018, Floridians voted to end greyhound racing. On behalf of Apollo and myself, thank you, Florida!!!! ***
When I was a little girl my family would take annual trips to Florida. It was during one of these trips that I went to my first ever dog race. My aunt had really wanted to go and because I was such an animal lover, my parents thought I would think it was fun to watch the dogs run around the track. While they were looking over the names of the dogs and assessing the odds, I watched as the dogs were taken to the area where they would prepare to run. Most dogs I had seen up until that point had been fluffy and furry, a sharp contrast to the lean, short-haired, muscular animals that now walked the track.
The bets were placed and we cheered as the dogs bolted out of the gates and chased the mechanical rabbit around the track. My dad and aunt both won small amounts of money. Had they listened to the young girl that just loved looking at the pretty dogs, they would have won the Trifecta.
I remember that day as a fun family outing. Today, I am disgusted by it because little did I know that while my family and other patrons were placing their bets, we were betting against greyhounds.
Fast forward 20+ years. I was living in Orlando with my dog Sasha, an American Eskimo (Spitz) that behaved more human-like than well, most humans I know. My fiance' at the time and I were entertaining the idea of getting another dog. He suggested that we get a greyhound. Now, other than my experience with the track, I knew little about the breed, and truth be told, I liked my knee-high, fluff ball dogs. Still. he insisted that we go to GPA (Greyhound Pets of America) to look at the dogs. Now, I have a whole other story about GPA, but, to avoid going off on a tangent, I will refrain from getting into it now. So to keep a long story short, bottom line is I fell in love with the breed, but due to politics was unable to get one. Frustrated, I left GPA and contacted the dog track to find out if there was any other avenue I might be able to go through to obtain a greyhound.
A woman informed me that although they weren't allowed to solicit, if someone called saying they didn't want to go through GPA, she was allowed to take their name and pass it along to any trainers that might be getting rid of dogs. Score! A few hours later we received a call and took off to the track where we met a man (we'll call Dan) that brought us into a room filled with caged dogs. That's where we first met Topper.
There he was, scrunched up in his cage that was stacked on top of another cage. He did not even have enough room to stand, sit or turn around. He was stuck in a constant crouching position. His legs were so muscular from being given steroids that his stomach didn't even touch the ground. The trainer led us outside to a pen filled with mud and dog crap. It had a trough in the corner where the animals were fed. Dan walked out and let Topper off of the leash. The poor dog took off and ran to a corner shuttering uncontrollably. He broke my heart.
"He may be a little skittish because I had to use the whip... uh... weapon today," Dan said quickly correcting himself. This is something they apparently do often according to Dan. He explained they put the food in the trough and the dogs had to fight to eat.
Slowly I made my way over and Topper allowed me to approach. His eyes looked so sad. Dan informed us Shadow Rage (Topper's racing name) was the fastest dog they had...there was only one problem. When he got on the track he ran in the wrong direction, which if you ask me, made him the smartest dog too. Knowing we couldn't leave him there, we decided to take him home right then.
When we got Topper home, the first thing we did was change his name. Every time we called him, he would cower and shake as if he was going to be beaten. I came up with Apollo because it meant strong, handsome, striking boy. He seemed to like it and began answering to it immediately as if it was the name he was meant to have all along.
Next, we had to teach him how to lie down and how to sit. I mean to literally sit and lie down... not the command; the action. He couldn't do those things. The vet said once his muscles calmed down after being jacked up with steroids for so long, it would come easier to him.
Feeding him was another issue. He would grab as much food as he could, run away from the bowl, swallow it whole, then regurgitate it, and eat it. I assume this was his survival mechanism from being with the other dogs. He must have grabbed as much as he could before he would get attacked. I began hand feeding him a little at a time until he learned that no one was going to take his food away from him.
There were other obstacles we had to overcome as well like teaching him about sliding glass doors which he ran into more than once and how to go up stairs. I remember he was so excited the first time he made it to the top. For about 4 years he had watched me go up and down them while he waited at the bottom, until one day he decided today was going to be the day he tried it. I turned around and there he stood beaming with pride in the upstairs bedroom like, "Look Mom. Look what I did!" Getting him down the stairs was another story (that took another year to learn). In the meantime, I had to break my back carrying a 90lb greyhound down the stairs.
I think the biggest obstacle was getting him to trust men. From day 1, whenever I left, Apollo would run into the corner of the bedroom, cower, and shake until I got home. He even had an accident once or twice when my then fiance's friend (also a man) came over. Getting him to be comfortable did not happen overnight. In fact, it wasn't until Apollo almost tore off his leg and my fiance and I rushed him to the vet for emergency surgery that he finally began to trust my fiance and view him as his dad.
I do not have children. That said, Apollo is the closest thing I will ever have to a son. Some people won't get that and I feel sorry for those people. I made a promise to him that after seeing the horrors of the track and the conditions he lived in that I would do my best to educate people and put an end to this barbaric sport.
Since then, I have done even more research only to learn that most dogs are only let out of their cages for 1 hour a day, are packed in trucks and transported without air or bathroom stops for hours, which has lead to heat exhaustion and death. They are hit with whips/weapons and pumped full of steroids. Puppies are assessed to see which ones are thought to be the best performers (farm culls). The others are killed. As are thousands of the dogs that are not re-homed or sold to animal testing labs.
 |
| Topper's (a.k.a. Apollo's) cage was not even this tall. Picture from animal-rights-action.com |
I wanted to tell you about Apollo so that you could see the face of an amazing dog, friend, and loyal companion. This is for you Big Dog :) Thankfully, I no longer live in a state that condones greyhound racing. If you do, please start a petition through Change.org and urge as many people as you can to sign it. You must live in the state that has it in order to start it. And please pass this article along to help educate others. These are beautiful, graceful, living, breathing beings. Not bets to be placed. Thank you.
 |
| RIP Apollo "Big Dog" Apollo's vet sent me this of his paw print My most valuable possession |
If you would like more information here are more articles citing the barbaric practices and a list of states that still have greyhound racing. Please help spread the word.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-bershadker/the-abomination-of-greyho_b_4905456.html
http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/greyhound_racing/facts/greyhound_racing_facts.html
http://www.animal-rights-action.com/greyhound-dogs.html
States that still allow greyhound racing:
Iowa
West Virginia
Arkansas
Texas
Arizona
*Alabama
*Alabama and Florida are considered the worst because they do not have to report injuries that occur (broken bones, fractured skull, paralyzation, etc).
**Update: As of November 6th 2018, Floridians voted to end greyhound racing. On behalf of Apollo and myself, thank you, Florida!!!! ***
Friday, February 7, 2014
How Not to End Up Single On Valentine's Day (and Maybe Even Get Yourself Laid)
It's that time of year again. Red and pink everywhere. Hearts, balloons, scary overgrown babies with bow and arrows aimed at you. It looks like Valentine's Day threw up all over Walmart. And here you are trying to figure out what to get the love of your life. For those of you that said, "You mean I have to get her a gift?" Stop reading. There is clearly no hope for you.
For those of you that are trying desperately to find the perfect gift, I have come up with a list that will either get you laid or get you single. However, that sounds a little crass, and since I am a classy broad from here on out I will be referring to them as Bad Bets and Better Bets.
Bad Bet: Workout clothing or equipment
OK while this should be a no brainer, apparently to some people, it's not. Valentine's Day is not the time to take the opportunity to say, Hey Tons of Fun, I think you are a porker and need to work out more. This makes you an insensitive jerk and frankly, well we sure as hell aren't going to let you see us naked after we get this gift.
Better Bet: Lingerie
Lingerie is the best of both worlds: It says, hey I think you are incredibly sexy just the way you are and I want to get down and dirty with you plus, let's face it, the chances of you seeing it on her are pretty darn good. Bonus points for taking into consideration her comfort level when picking out the gift. If she is confident, go for a sexy bra/pantie/garter combo. If she is a little self conscious a babydoll nightie is a great bet. Remember the sexier she feels, the luckier you will get ;)
Bad Bet: Cheap Candy Hearts filled with chocolate from Walmart or the drug store
Nothing says, "Oh shit! Today is Valentine's day?!?" like one of those Russel Stover candy hearts filled with assorted chocolates. Even if you bought it in advance, it still looks like a last minute gift that you put absolutely no thought into at all.
Better Bet: Fresh Chocolate Covered Strawberries (or her favorite type of candy or cupcakes) from a specialty shop.
It shows you pay attention to what she likes and made the extra effort by going out of your way to get them. You can even go online and order from specialty shops and have them sent to her.
Bad Bet: Poor Planning
You think you are doing a nice thing. You want to take your wife/girlfriend out for a nice evening. One problem...it's Valentine's Day and you forgot to make reservations. Now she is standing in her 3-4 inch heels, hungry, waiting 2+ hours for a table.
This also goes for not planning a sitter if you have kids. You cannot...I REPEAT cannot come home on Valentine's day, tell your wife to get ready because you are going to dinner then sit on the couch and expect her to find a sitter, get ready, and be happy about it. You are putting all of the pressure on her and then, when she can't find a sitter on VALENTINE'S DAY, you give her the old shoulder shrug I tried as you sit on the couch and watch Sports Center.No, this makes you a schmuck.
Better Bet: Plan Ahead.
Make reservations and if necessary, arrange for a sitter in advance. This means making certain that if your kids have any important projects they need to get done, they are finished the day before so that your wife/girlfriend isn't stressed about leaving the child to fend for his or herself. Again, (and you may notice a recurring theme here) it shows you took the time to think about her and put some effort into it.
Bad Bet: Doing Nothing
Congratulations...you're single! I know....I know... you both agreed that you weren't going to do anything special but trust me...do something special. She is going to be hearing about the flowers and jewelry her girlfriends received from their boyfriends or husbands and when asked what she received, she is going to get to reply, "We decided not to do anything." Trust me, by the 4th or 5th time she has to mumble this, she is going to be thinking, you know he really could have done something. Three weeks later, you end up in a huge fight about something stupid like washing your socks and underwear together and you are left wondering why your usually sane girl went all Lorena Bobbitt on you. This is why. Yes it is passive aggressive and yes she shouldn't have said Valentine's Day didn't matter when it did. And the truth is, at the time, she may have meant it. But the minute everyone starts getting gifts and love is in the air, it is going to bother her more and more. You've been warned.
Better Bet: Romantic Evening In
I get it. Money is tight. But Valentine's Day is the same date every year so you know it is coming. This is when something simple like making her a romantic dinner at home and renting her favorite (or a new) romantic comedy can really pay off. All you have to say is, "I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but you are special to me so I wanted to at least do something to make sure you knew that." BAM! You're golden. Even if you stopped and picked up a pizza from her favorite place and eat it by candlelight, she will more than appreciate the effort you're making. Eat, watch a cheesy movie, give her a nice little massage and watch where things go.Trust me. You will reap benefits for weeks.
Oh, and for all of those people that say, "I don't celebrate these stupid holidays because if that is the only time I can how you how much I love you than we have problems" all I have to say is that is total crap! Please refer to Doing Nothing. Again, yes, you may show it at other times, and you damn well should, but making that little extra effort to prove to her that she means the world to you on a day when the world is celebrating love will not kill you...although, again, it could lead to some amazing sex that could get pretty wild. Get her a card. Write her a love letter. Do something for the woman that stands by you in good and bad times, is your coach when you're down, your biggest cheerleader when you're up, and is your best friend.
Remember the little things are often the most important. They remind us that we are appreciated and loved. Once many people get comfortable in relationships, they get lazy and believe their significant other should just know how they feel. But when you stop doing the little things you imply complacency and that your relationship isn't worth celebrating. You have found someone you love and that means the world to you. Never miss an opportunity to tell that person just how happy you are to have them in your life.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
For those of you that are trying desperately to find the perfect gift, I have come up with a list that will either get you laid or get you single. However, that sounds a little crass, and since I am a classy broad from here on out I will be referring to them as Bad Bets and Better Bets.
Bad Bet: Workout clothing or equipment
OK while this should be a no brainer, apparently to some people, it's not. Valentine's Day is not the time to take the opportunity to say, Hey Tons of Fun, I think you are a porker and need to work out more. This makes you an insensitive jerk and frankly, well we sure as hell aren't going to let you see us naked after we get this gift.
Better Bet: Lingerie
Lingerie is the best of both worlds: It says, hey I think you are incredibly sexy just the way you are and I want to get down and dirty with you plus, let's face it, the chances of you seeing it on her are pretty darn good. Bonus points for taking into consideration her comfort level when picking out the gift. If she is confident, go for a sexy bra/pantie/garter combo. If she is a little self conscious a babydoll nightie is a great bet. Remember the sexier she feels, the luckier you will get ;)
Bad Bet: Cheap Candy Hearts filled with chocolate from Walmart or the drug store
Nothing says, "Oh shit! Today is Valentine's day?!?" like one of those Russel Stover candy hearts filled with assorted chocolates. Even if you bought it in advance, it still looks like a last minute gift that you put absolutely no thought into at all.
Better Bet: Fresh Chocolate Covered Strawberries (or her favorite type of candy or cupcakes) from a specialty shop.
It shows you pay attention to what she likes and made the extra effort by going out of your way to get them. You can even go online and order from specialty shops and have them sent to her.
Bad Bet: Poor Planning
You think you are doing a nice thing. You want to take your wife/girlfriend out for a nice evening. One problem...it's Valentine's Day and you forgot to make reservations. Now she is standing in her 3-4 inch heels, hungry, waiting 2+ hours for a table.
This also goes for not planning a sitter if you have kids. You cannot...I REPEAT cannot come home on Valentine's day, tell your wife to get ready because you are going to dinner then sit on the couch and expect her to find a sitter, get ready, and be happy about it. You are putting all of the pressure on her and then, when she can't find a sitter on VALENTINE'S DAY, you give her the old shoulder shrug I tried as you sit on the couch and watch Sports Center.No, this makes you a schmuck.
Better Bet: Plan Ahead.
Make reservations and if necessary, arrange for a sitter in advance. This means making certain that if your kids have any important projects they need to get done, they are finished the day before so that your wife/girlfriend isn't stressed about leaving the child to fend for his or herself. Again, (and you may notice a recurring theme here) it shows you took the time to think about her and put some effort into it.
Bad Bet: Doing Nothing
Congratulations...you're single! I know....I know... you both agreed that you weren't going to do anything special but trust me...do something special. She is going to be hearing about the flowers and jewelry her girlfriends received from their boyfriends or husbands and when asked what she received, she is going to get to reply, "We decided not to do anything." Trust me, by the 4th or 5th time she has to mumble this, she is going to be thinking, you know he really could have done something. Three weeks later, you end up in a huge fight about something stupid like washing your socks and underwear together and you are left wondering why your usually sane girl went all Lorena Bobbitt on you. This is why. Yes it is passive aggressive and yes she shouldn't have said Valentine's Day didn't matter when it did. And the truth is, at the time, she may have meant it. But the minute everyone starts getting gifts and love is in the air, it is going to bother her more and more. You've been warned.
Better Bet: Romantic Evening In
I get it. Money is tight. But Valentine's Day is the same date every year so you know it is coming. This is when something simple like making her a romantic dinner at home and renting her favorite (or a new) romantic comedy can really pay off. All you have to say is, "I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but you are special to me so I wanted to at least do something to make sure you knew that." BAM! You're golden. Even if you stopped and picked up a pizza from her favorite place and eat it by candlelight, she will more than appreciate the effort you're making. Eat, watch a cheesy movie, give her a nice little massage and watch where things go.Trust me. You will reap benefits for weeks.
Oh, and for all of those people that say, "I don't celebrate these stupid holidays because if that is the only time I can how you how much I love you than we have problems" all I have to say is that is total crap! Please refer to Doing Nothing. Again, yes, you may show it at other times, and you damn well should, but making that little extra effort to prove to her that she means the world to you on a day when the world is celebrating love will not kill you...although, again, it could lead to some amazing sex that could get pretty wild. Get her a card. Write her a love letter. Do something for the woman that stands by you in good and bad times, is your coach when you're down, your biggest cheerleader when you're up, and is your best friend.
Remember the little things are often the most important. They remind us that we are appreciated and loved. Once many people get comfortable in relationships, they get lazy and believe their significant other should just know how they feel. But when you stop doing the little things you imply complacency and that your relationship isn't worth celebrating. You have found someone you love and that means the world to you. Never miss an opportunity to tell that person just how happy you are to have them in your life.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Epically Stupid Super Bowl Bet
It's that time of year again. The time we don our favorite jerseys, consume large amount of appetizers and alcohol, scream at the TV wondering why the quarterback can't see that he has a player completely wide open down field (I mean, dude, we can see him. He is right there with the camera focused on him. Are you freakin' blind?!?). And for some people, it is the time to make stupid bets.
Now, I am not talking about Floyd Mayweather's $10,000,000 (yep, that's MILL-ION) bet on the Bronco's. I mean come on, don't we all have a few million riding on the game? No, I would like to introduce you to a good ol' everyday Joe, named Kyle.
See Kyle, much like myself, grew up a 49ers fan. Except unlike me, Kyle completely lost his mind when Kaepernik choked and the 49ers failed to secure a Superbowl spot. Especially because the team that did clinch was his brother's favorite team, the Seahawks. Fed up with his brother's trash talk, Kyle went bat shit crazy and came up with a way to shut his brother's mouth for good.
Oh that's right...it's on bitch.
Or at least that is what Kyle must have been thinking when he decided to bet the house. That's right...he bet the house.Apparently when Kyle's grandparents died they left he and his brother equal ownership in their house. So when they were deciding what Superbowl bet to make, Kyle decide to go big or go home...or not go home in this case.
Oh, did I forget to mention? Kyle lives in the house with his wife and 14 month old baby which, if the Broncos lose they will have to surrender ownership rights and move out of the house by March 1st. And surprise, surprise! -well at least Kyle was surprised by this, because apparently, Kyle is well, a dumb ass, his wife was not too happy about the bet.
Kyle said, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." He went on to say that his brother had notoriously picked bad teams since they were kids and was just an irresponsible person in general so he believes the bet is a lock.
Really, Dude? You bet a house without even consulting your wife and you have the balls to call your brother irresponsible? Dumb ass!
And yes, I am well aware that if the Broncos win, Mrs. Kyle will most likely come running back, a ticker tape parade will be thrown, and Kyle will forever refer to himself as "The Man"... that is at least until he does some other stupid thing like use the baby as collateral for an ill-advised cock fight.
So this Sunday, after you have mowed through a plate of nachos or chicken wings, watched the game, and prepare to go home and nurse your football hangover, just remember at least you have a home to go to... Kyle may not.
Dumb ass!
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