Other than that, I love getting a massage. The quiet, serene room with new wave music or nature sounds playing softly over the speaker; the warm massage oil against your skin; the firm yet soft hands rubbing away the tension; and of course the snakes slithering across your body.
| I don't think she is relaxed.|
I think she is dead. (photo from MSN)
|And you thought it was bad when|
I pooped on your car!
Once those scaly suckers have been removed from your back and your face is a nice, soft bird poop white, you can head on over to Turkey or Virginia for a nice fishy pedicure. That's right stick your feet in a bucket and let these little toothless fish gnaw your troubles and dead skin away.
|"Hi, I'd like an order of foot. Can I get a side of toe jam with that?"|
Second, (although admittedly this might be kind of cool), I think I would get a Paul Bunyan complex. I would think of myself as this giant with these Great White sharks nibbling at my feet unable to hurt me because I am 9 million feet tall and can hold them by their tails (fins) and eat them like sardines, you know, assuming sardines weren't gross and disgusting. Third, I kind of feel bad for the fish. What? They don't feed them all day so the little things are so hungry they will eat anything you put in front of them? I mean, seriously, have you seen some people's feet? But maybe dead foot skin is all they can eat. Are these fish really just tiny piranha minus the chompers? I mean seriously, where are their teeth? Is there a little fishy dentist or tooth fairy going around removing them all? Finally, after my fish-acure was over and I left not only would I be afraid my feet would smell like fish (unless they were smart enough to use the same odor neutralizer they used for the bird poop), but I would also be afraid that maybe the fish would talk smack about my feet after I left.
"Did you see her feet?"
"Does she really think she can pull off that crazy yellow nail polish color?"
"Dude, she wasn't wearing nail polish!"
Of course I wouldn't understand any of this because I don't speak fish, much like I don't understand the women at the nail salon I go to now, whom I am certain are talking about me.
No, after careful consideration, I think I will stick with the old school treatments. So you can go ahead and be one of those cool trendsetters. Enjoy your snake massage, bird poop facial and fishy pedicure. Just don't ever expect me to rub your back, let you borrow my shoes, or kiss your face. After all, I know where they've been.