Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Adventures in Bathing (or How NOT to Clean Your Bathroom Floor)

It started out simple enough. I just wanted to take a nice relaxing bath.

Now when I take a bath I don't just turn on the water, hop in, get clean and hop out. No, no. When I take a bath, it is an event. I'm talking scented candles, relaxing music (usually some old school R&B), bubbles or bath salts, and of course, hot tea or a nice glass of wine to drink depending on my mood. It is an incredibly relaxing way to let the stress of the day melt away.

That is unless your cat decides to take a bath with you.

Allow me to set the scene: Everything is all set up. My water is at the perfect temperature, Sade is playing, my candles are aglow. The kids, and by kids I mean my five dogs and now one cats are sound asleep. I get cozy, slink down into the tub and let out a big, long sigh, "Ahhhhhhhh."

After a minute or so I get that weird feeling that I'm being watched. I open up my eyes to see my 1 1/2 year old husky very upset, "What's wrong Monkey Face?"

Anakin (aka "Monkey Face")
 * Side note: His name is actually Anakin but, because he makes monkey sounds when he wants my attention, I call him Monkey Face.

"OOOOOOO  OOOOOO oooooo Ooo HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR".

For those of you that aren't fluent in dog that translates to: "Mom, you're in there, I'm out here. I don't know what all of that stuff is around you but I kinda think I should drink it and that thing you brought home (Sawyer) looks a lot like my squeaky toy, but I get yelled at every time I try to make it squeak is way over there where I can't get to it. Plus it's been like two hours since I've had a cookie and it's all very upsetting."

I turn my head to see Sawyer has managed to jump up on the other side of the tub. The two are now staring at each other. I tell Anakin to go lay down. He ignores me.

"Anakin! Go lay down!" He does his hyper little puppy butt shuffle looks at me lets out a frustrated, "HARrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRuuuu." Then jumps up on the side of the tub and licks the water. This is enough to make Sawyer jump down and scurry away.

"ANAKIN, ya big perv! Go get your bone!"

Sawyer
I start to relax again. Soon, I sense that I am not alone. I open one eye to see Sawyer back on the side of the tub staring at me, his big blue eyes curious. I close my eyes.

"Don't do it," I say, eyes still closed.

He sticks his paw in the water and tests it to see if it will support him.

"Meorowwww..." (Translation: Mom, you think I could walk on this?)

"No Sawyer."

"Meorowwwwwwww..." (But Mom, I'm super fast. I could totally walk on this)

"I understand meorowwww (you're super fast). But I'm telling you, don't do it."

He sticks his paw in the water again slipping a little bit further down this time. Stops. Shakes off his paw. Then does it again feeling more brazen. He looks up at me, "Meorowwwwwwwwwwwwww." (Oh Mom, I could SO do this!)

"Hfpfffffpffffff." (Translation: I think he could) Anakin has returned and is joining in on the conversation. He has placed his head on the tub and is staring at Sawyer who has gotten up and moved to another section of the tub where he and Anakin continue to stare at each other. I close my eyes and relax for the next 5 minutes.

I have made it through  Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone and am well into Alicia Keys' I Keep Falling when a wave of water is thrust upon me.

MRRRRARRRRRRRARRROW!!! 

Sawyer had fallen into the tub, freaked out and used my knees and head as a spring board. Anakin, who witnessed the whole thing thought, I should probably help and in an attempt to save the kitty, jumped halfway into the tub, decided, that sucked, and took off after the kitty but not before knocking the various bottles, candles, towel and tea into the bathtub leaving a trail of water and destruction behind him.

"WTH?!? SON OF A ...SAWYER!!! ANAKIN!!! OMG, SHUT THE HELL UP ALICIA!"

Next time I need to unwind I think I'll walk through Compton, downtown Detroit, or Newark alone at night wearing nothing but a chain of $100 bills around my neck and a sign that says rob me. Maybe I'll juggle a few live grenades too while I'm at it. I'm sure that would be much more relaxing.

Seriously, WTH?!?

****Don't forget to Like me on FB: Shay Stone****





28 comments:

  1. That was hilarious...I assume that closing the door and keeping them outside the bathroom would result in more destruction that just the ruining of your bath...right?

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    1. Yes! They would have cried and whined and the kitty would have tried to claw the carpet and the dog would have tried to eat the kitty...

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  2. Oh Shay! Maybe you just have to try hiding in the tub minus the water next time..or maybe they have learned something...anything! Gotta go share this post!

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    1. Yes, please share! I think the only way I might be safe is if i were to hide at the vet...it is the only place they don't refuse to follow me.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa. More fun to write about than to live through, I'll tell ya that! LOL

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  4. Because I can picture you, your bathtub, and Monkey Face (having met all three of you) and because I have a terribly naughty kitty who likes to test the water with his paw and dare gravity on the edge of the tub too - this TOTALLY cracked me up. I can even hear the ANAKIN NO!!! all the way in Michigan.

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    1. Yes, what I didn't put in the post was that Sawyer and Anakin ran in to my closet where Sawyer proceeded to climb up my clothes and Anakin ran through my clean clothes I had pulled out of the dryer right before I got in the tub...you know to relax.

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  5. I for real just cracked up out loud!!! I can just picture Sawyer springing off of your head BBBLLLAAAHAHAHA!!!

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    1. Yes, he is quite the little gymanist!

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  6. And that right there is why I have no indoor cats and my dogs are too short to reach the edge of the tub ;).

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    1. My other dogs could care less. The kitty is new and whenever he isn't sleeping he is like, "Ummmm, excuse me... (poke poke poke with his paw)...I don't know if you realize this or not but you are not loving on me right now." Anakin is still in the curious face. He has to physically see me. If he can't he assumes killers have taken me and he must find me by any means (flinging open doors, hurdling love seats, etc). I think he thought the bathtub was some type of holding chamber.

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  7. Why is it that cats want to test the water but won't go near it when you want to give them a bath?

    By the way, the last time I took a relaxing bath I swear I almost drowned. I fell asleep, slid down, and awoke to my chin resting in the water.

    Showers for me!

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    1. See, no worries on that for me...there is always something coming buy with a face lick or howl to wake me up just in case I get too relaxed.

      Regarding your cat water question, it has to be THEIR idea. They never want to do anything that is YOUR idea.

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  8. This is why I only keep animals that can be locked away in cages.

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    1. See, mine are smart. I'm afraid somehow they would end up locking me in one and be like, "Oooo, wanna cookie? Wanna go outside? Wanna go for a walk? How do you like it!" LOL

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  9. LOL.
    I always wondered what I'd do if I was taking a bath and looked up to see a pussy.... (shh sorry)

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    1. And I called Anakin the perv! LMAO

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  10. This could all be solved by starting out with telling the animals the bath is for them. They'll all go hide.

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  11. Luckily, my dog is terrified of water. I'm not even sure he can swim as I've never attempted to throw him in a pool for fear that his heart would explode. Also, I don't usually take baths.

    Anyway, I've noticed that huskies never bark like a normal dog. They always make long, exagerrated monkey growls.

    Perhaps you could add a few drops of tabasco sauce to the water. I heard animals don't respond well to that. It may be slightly less comfortable, but there would be no need to worry about animals ruining the vibe.

    Hilarious post, Shay!

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    1. Chiz, do you NOT remember the Habanero Vagina post? Do you really would risk Tabasco sauce in the bathtub even if it was watered down?!? LOL

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  12. Too bad you couldn't use the force on Aniken and tell him to go take a nap somewhere. Course, that would still leave you with Sawyer...

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    1. The only force that moves Anakin is (are) cookies. That's the good news...he can be bribed. Unfortunately, I didn't have any in the tub.

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  13. having a very naughty cat myself, and my boyfriend having 2 dogs, I can relate to this post. It's nice to see that you see the fun side to this though :) as much as my cat irritates me some times, I still love him and can't imagine life without having pets in the house :D sorry that your relaxing bath got ruined though :(

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    1. Me neither. I don't know how people live without pets. Last night I heard a big ol' ruckus in the other room so like usual I yelled, "Anakin stop eating the kitty!" After yelling it twice, Sawyer jumped up by me and there was still a ruckus. I walked into the bathroom and there was Anakin with his head stuck in the litter box. He is a pain in the ass but he makes me laugh :)

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  14. One of my brother's favorite memories was when he was visiting me and was taking a bath. He was about 7, and one of my gymnastic cats decided to walk around the side of the tub. The cat finally fell in, and jumped out, and scared my brother to death. He LOVED it!

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  15. I bet it did! I can relate. Sadly, Sawyer did not learn his lesson. As it currently stands the score is:
    Bathtub: 2
    Sawyer: 0 (Although luckily I hadn't gotten in the tub yet for the second attempt. Well, lucky for me, not so much for Sawyer who I had to perform a kitty paddle until I rescued him.LOL)

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