Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Thank God he didn't name the album "The Orange Print"

Beyonce' and Jay-Z
This week Music Royalty welcomed a new princess into the Kingdom. January 7th, 2012, Beyonce' Knowles (or is it Beyonce'-Z?) gave birth to her own little destiny's child. It seems that she and baby daddy, Jay-Z were so excited about their new addition that they completely lost their minds and when asked what their beautiful new daughter's name was, they gushed, "Blue Ivy."

While I am certain that upon hearing the name, the first inner reaction from everyone was WTH?!?, the coattail riding, moochers, suck-ups and assistants that are the music industry, fearing banishment from the Kingdom, refrained from the obvious and instead responded with a collective, "Awwwwwww."

Blue from "Blue's Clues"
That's right. They named their child, Blue. Blue like the lovable Nickelodeon dog with the creepy owner. Blue like the moon. Blue like the international color of depression. Blue like Paul Bunyan's ox. Or was that Babe, the big blue ox?

According to reputable websites, and by reputable I mean gossip websites such as OMG, TVNZ and other hard hitting, trustworthy news sites, the couple apparently came up with the name as a tribute to Jay-Z's album "The Blue Print." They were also drawn to the fact that Blue has four letters, and the number 4 is significant to the couple with several birthdays and an anniversary occurring on the 4th day of different months. It is believed that is where the middle name originated from as well. Ivy is allegedly a play on the Roman numeral IV. Although, some sites claim Ivy refers to the strong, hearty vine that grows on houses and trundles. Whatever the thought process was behind the strange moniker the point is this poor kid is going to be saddled with this horrible name for the rest of her life (or at least until she turns 18) because her parents thought they were being cool and trendy.

Blue got me thinking about other trendy, stupid, asinine names celebrities give their children:

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis:
Rumer Glenn (Because everyone loves rumors and Glenn is such a feminine name);
Scout (Also feminine , WTH?)
Tellulah (Seriously-what were they smoking when they came up with that?!?)

Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin:
Apple (Because apparently, she is fruity)

Any of the Pheonix kids:
River Jude
Rainbow Joan of Arc (Seriously who has "of" in their name?)
Leaf Joaquin
Liberty Mariposa
Summer Joy

The Zappas:
Moon Unit (What exactly is a "Moon Unit?")
Diva Muffin (No doubt bedazzled and filled with fiber)

(I swear, I'm not making these up)

Sylvester Stallone:
Sage Moon Blood

Gwen Stefani:
Zuma Nesta Rock

Shannyn Sossoman (Actress: A Knight's Tale; 40 Days and 40 Nights):
Audio Science

Courtney Cox and David Arquette:
Coco (As in hot chocolate or the monkey)

Erykah Badu:
Puma (As in the cat or the shoes)
Seven (George Costanza is going to be SO pissed!)

Shia LaBeouf:
OK he didn't have celebrity parents, but his grandfather that named him was a comedian. Shia's name means "Thank God for beef."

I am assuming most of these names were decided upon during a drugged out haze, but I just can't believe there are that many drugs in the world that could ever make a parent burst out with glee, "Yes! Yes! That's it! I christen thee Moon Beam Shitface!" and even worse have your spouse agree with your revelation. The really sad thing is pretty soon all the wannabes will start popping out kids and there will be little Blues, Audio Sciences and Moonbeam Shitfaces showing up on playgrounds everywhere.

I guess these kids should all be thankful that their parents have so much freakin' money that they will never have to go on a job interview. And as for Blue, I guess it could be worse. Jay-Z could have named his album "The Orange Print."

What is the strangest celebrity baby name or non-celebrity baby name you have ever heard?

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