Thursday, December 29, 2011

Nominees for Dumb Ass Of the Year Award

With the year coming to a close, many different countdowns are emerging: Top 100 songs of 2011; Top 10 Best Dressed; Top 20 Dumbest Criminals; the list goes on and on. So, in the interest of being a team player, I have compiled my own top 10 list of 2011. I give you the:
                      Top 10 Nominations for the Dumb Ass of the Year Award

Nominee #1: People with the Stupidest Profile Pictures

The Bird Flippers – This photographic pioneer has come up with what he believes to be a groundbreaking idea. The picture may vary a little, but for the most part, it includes the following: a guy wearing a t-shirt with the cut-off sleeves, a hat on backward, with an I think I am cooler than I am face flipping off the camera. I have no idea why someone would do this. Did you have your finger chopped off in a terrible paper cut accident, have it reattached and are holding it up as a tribute to the doctor that performed the surgery? Maybe you just discovered it and are fascinated like when a baby girl discovers her feet and sucks on them or a baby boy discovers his wee-wee, grabs hold and doesn’t let go until his mid-thirties. To me flipping of a camera is equivalent to the droves of people that went out and got tribal tattoos in the effort to be original. It shows you are a free thinker and have a way of expressing yourself that is usually only found in punk teenage boys.

The Flasher – A new trend amongst teenage boys is photographing themselves in front of a mirror, pulling up their shirt and showing their abs. My niece’s Facebook page is littered with photos of guys doing this. While I must admit, the muscles are impressive (For some reason, it seems as though the teenage boys today are built like the 25-year-old guys of yesterday), I can’t help noticing that while the abs are well developed, it looks as though the brain is not. I expect the next word out of their mouths will be, “Der!”  Maybe they should show off their six-packs because, in 15 years, my guess is they will all be sporting kegs and will be much less likely to share that with the world.

My nieces demonstrating "duck lips."
Duck lips – Apparently, teenage girls have decided posing with their lips stuck out like a duck is the hot, sexy thing. Did I miss the memo? Are ducks the new “in” thing? Are people clamoring to plastic surgeons, bypassing the Julia Roberts and Angelina pout in favor of the Gilbert Godfrey voiced AFLAC duck-billed look? Is Howard the Duck now a stud?

Nominee #2: Prison Inmate Wannabes

I am of course referring to those fashion-forward morons that wear their pants around their knees. This look originated in prison where belts are not allowed. So unless you are looking to be ass raped, pull up your pants and buy a freakin’ belt.

Nominee #3: The Language Inventors

This group includes anyone that utters the phrase, “Know what I’m sayin’?”  “Ya feel me?” or anything ending in “izzle.” If you have to ask, “Know what I’m sayin?” then we probably don’t know because you are too high to actually make any sense. 

It's the same with “Ya feel me?No, I don’t “feel ya” nor do I want to. "Know what I’m sayin’” and "Ya feel me" have replaced “Ummmm…” as this century’s vocalized pause. Anyone that says this should be put in solitary confinement until they figure out what they are saying so that we don’t have to try.

Moving on to what I refer to as the “Izzlers.” In an attempt to bolster their vocabulary, Izzlers have added a new suffix to the English language… although I am not certain it is English. I believe Snoop Dog started this trend. The suffix “izzle” is placed on the end of every word. For example, a normal, educated person may say something like “For real, my friend.” Where an Izzler would respond with, “For rizzle, my Shizzle.” In this instance, they have not only changed real to rizzle but they have also taken the extra time to develop a new term of endearment “Shizzle.” To me, this new language is the lazy man’s Pig Latin.

Nominee #4: Kayne West 

Nominated for one of the largest cases of foot in mouth disease after interrupting Taylor Swift while she was receiving her award, and for knocking Beck's talent. Newsflash, Kayne. Your opinion isn't the only opinion.

Nominees #5: The Grammatically Challenged

I realize this one makes me sound snobby and that I may not always use perfect grammar, but this is my list of pet peeves and these are my nominees, so I am including them. The phrases “a whole nother” and “all of a sudden” are not really phrases. What, exactly, is a “nother”? And what about “all of a sudden…”? Can you have half of a sudden or some of a sudden”?

Nominees #6: People too Lazy to Change the Toilet Paper Roll

Some individuals, and let’s be honest, it's usually me, are mentally challenged or physically incapable of changing a toilet paper roll. I would ask, “How hard is it?" but it is apparently a lot harder than I realize. I have created easy to follow instructions for these intellectually handicapped dumb asses:

1.     Notice that toilet paper roll is empty. * Please Note: One square left also indicates an empty roll;
2.     This next part is tricky for some. Resist the urge to grab a new roll of toilet paper and rest it on the empty cardboard roll. Remove toilet paper roll from "holder" - that thingy holding it. You'd think that'd be self-explanatory). Don't be scared. I promise, they are simple to operate.;
3.     Throw empty roll into garbage;
4.     Put a NEW roll on holder  and feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back after you wash your hands, of course.

Nomination #7: Car Companies

I don’t know when it happened, but it appears the newer models of cars are being made without turn signals. I must qualify this by saying I drive an older car that has turn signals, so I can only comment on this from observation. Finding it hard to believe that so many drivers will see you waiting to turn without actually putting their signal on to let you know there is enough time to pull out seems implausible. Therefore, I can only conclude that car makers decided turn signal were an unnecessary feature and replaced them with something more practical like Bluetooth or satellite radio.

Nomination # Eight: People that Refer to Themselves in the Third Person

You were given a name so that other people could address you. While many are guilty of this, one celebrity in particular springs to mind. Michael Vick. I am paraphrasing to some degree, but I have heard him say things along the lines of No one can hate Michael Vick. Everyone loves Michael Vick. News flash Mike, Shay thinks Michael Vick sucks monkey balls. Go on the computer or open an English book and research pronouns. They're easy enough to use.

Nomination #9: The Flip-flopping Republican Party

Screwing themselves
It seems as though every week there is a new front-runner. The other candidates spend all of their time bashing whoever is this week’s political darling until they knock that person completely off of the pedestal. 

Now, putting any political affiliations you might have aside, doesn’t it seem like they are doing the Democrats’ work for them? The nominees are already giving all of the reasons why they won’t vote for each other. When the voting is done and the dust settles, what will be the Republican Candidate’s slogan? Vote for me because I am less of a flip-flopping lying, cheating, embezzling, train-wreck of a politician than the other guy? And while I realize that by saying the word “politician” flip-flopping lying, cheating, embezzling as well as greedy, self-serving backstabber are already implied, shouldn’t they be saving that kind of pillow talk for the opposing parties? Get it together people! We need more than one political party to choose from in this nation. I'd like at least five because let's be honest, none of the ones we have are looking too stellar right now.

Nomination Number Ten: A Tie

The final nomination is for the individuals on The Jersey Shore. I don’t believe anything else needs to be said.

Honorable Mentions:

Justin Bieber’s Non-baby Mama

I'm not condoning this, but was this chick really surprised when she received death threats from Bieber fans after she claimed to have given birth to Justin’s baby? She had already claimed that approximately three other guys were the baby daddy. Did she think it wouldn’t come out? What was she hoping to gain? Did she think it would gain her Bieber’s attention and he would look at her and say, “I know you just falsely accused me of being your baby, baby, baby’s father, but you are just crazy enough to make me want to date you. You got spunk and I want to make you one less lonely girl!”

Charlie Sheen - Now there are a number of things that could have landed him on this list: His claim to have "tiger blood," his harem of "goddesses" that, let's be honest, are anything but, or maybe for coming up with the non-catchiest (it's a word) most annoying phrase/word of the year: "Winning."  However, I think what makes him most eligible for Dumb Ass of the Year is getting fired from his cake walk, Two and a Half Men job that paid him a million dollars an episode. Dumb Ass!

Now, I am sure there are many more nominees that I have forgot to include like the idiot driving 35MPH in the fast lane because she is talking on the phone -Yes, I do have to glare at you to see if you look as stupid as you drive, or the friend that would rather spend TWO HOURS texting back and forth instead of having a 2-minute phone call. I hate talking on the phone as much as the next person, but come on! Two hours to figure out where we are eating? Ya know what I’m sayin’? Ya, feel me? For rizzle my schizzle. Word!

Who would you nominate for dumb ass of the year award and why?


  1. I agree with many of those. Not all but that's what makes this America and everyone else jealous. I love the language inventors one. My kids have a new one that seems to be a license to say what ever they want. Hey dad....I got drunk last night..."JUST SAYIN". Adults, however, can't use that ie: Honey, those jeans make your ass look huge...."JUST SA.... The End.

  2. I am very familiar with "Just sayin'." I should point out there is also a Facebook/text message version of "just sayin'" That also allows you to say whatever you want. For example:

    "Man, you are a psychotic bitch! You are also ugly and your mama dresses you funny. I can't believe anyone in their right mind would date you. LOL"

  3. Nice list, Shay, but what happened to 7 and 8? Also, did you really google "Elephant Sex" to find that pic? Haha! Good stuff.

  4. LOL Chris blog spot kept giving me trouble when I was adding pictures. I had to fix it because it kept cutting out things. I guess it cut out 7 & 8. Eh, throw the honorable mentions up there;) You can even add me in as one of the dumbasses! And yes, I googled elephant sex. Sadly, I am clearly not the first considering they hAD a picture.LOL

  5. Fixed it Wojo...even added some more honorable mentions;)