Tuesday, November 29, 2011

PLEASE, I need your help...

I am on the verge of doing something borderline illegal. Well, actually there is no borderline about it. I am seriously considering becoming a secret vigilante. Okay, I guess it's not so much of a secret if I just told you my plans. There is a growing epidemic that is sweeping across our country and someone has to do something about it. I believe I am up to this challenge.

The epidemic I am referring to is Pantsaroundyourkneesitis  [Pronunciation: pants-around-your-knees-itis]. Also known as PAYK, this illness usually targets boys in their teens as well as the occasional  I-refuse-to grow-up-because-I-still-believe-I-will-become-a-rap-star-someday men in their late 30s. Plumbers have also been known to be affected however, scientists are currently working to figure out if this is a milder case of PAYK or if it a separate disease altogether.

Often found loitering around malls, convenience stores and schools, although they tend to avoid actually going inside learning institutions, you may have encountered these individuals but were unaware of the tell tale signs of this illness. I have come up with a list of the most common symptoms:

  • Moseying which is a very slow walk that the teen must do to avoid having the pants slip from the knees to the ankles;
  • No belt or one that is extremely ill-fitting. This is part of what is believed to cause the pants to fall;
  • Oversized pants that for some unknown reason seem to be at least 5 sizes too large for the individual;
  • Large portions of underwear sticking out from where the pants should be worn;
  • Constant tugging/pulling up of the pants due to lack of belt;
  • Lack of any common sense.

Some people oppose the theory that this is a medical condition but I strongly disagree with them. After all, I cannot believe anyone in their right mind would actually choose to wear their pants this way without having some sort of brain altering disease or being forced to do so at gun point (and even that is a stretch).

So, here is where I need advice. I do not know whom to focus my vigilantism towards. Should I smack the hell out of the parents for allowing  their children to go out in public like this and subjecting us all to what I can only describe as questionably clean underwear? Maybe I should center my quest for justice towards the schools for not enforcing a strict "no showing your ass in public" code? Or am I being too hard on these boys? With the economy currently in the toilet, am I simply unaware of the great belt shortage that is facing our nation?

Please give me your thoughts on this because to be honest, right now all I want to do is sneak up behind these kids and give them an atomic wedgie that they will never forget!

Link below is for a new invention-WAIST SUSPENDERS! I am against them because they propetuate this God awful "trend."

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