Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Random Thoughts Women Have Before Sex (Warning Mature Readers Only!)

Today as I was screwing around online I saw an article that was something like 11 Things Men Think about When They See a Women Naked. Now, I'm not a guy, but I have to think that if I was and there was a naked woman in front of me the most prevalent thing running through my mind would be, Cool, a naked chick that wants to have sex with me. Sure a guy may think to suck in his gut, stick out his chest, and flex a little but mainly he is thinking, Haha... boobs... and I get to touch them.

See, I don't believe women spend as much time pondering what men think when they see us naked as these articles suggest. No, when we get (or are about to get) horizontal with a man I believe we spend way more time in our own heads. So I have put together some random thoughts that tend to run through our minds and get in the way when we are having (or are about to have) sex.

(*Note: These are in no particular order and can vary depending on the stage of the relationship.)

Thought #1: "I am way too fat to have sex today." 
Yes men, it may sound crazy to you, but even though we may look like we weigh the same to you from day to day, we really do have fat days and skinny days. Maybe it's water retention from hormones or maybe it's a guilty conscience from the one bite of cake that turned into us finishing off half of the ass end of our niece's My Little Pony left over birthday cake, but fat/skinny days are not just in our head. The good news is we still have sex on our fat days, but we're more likely to feel like sex goddesses and curl your toes on our skinny days;)

Thought #2: My God I hope he doesn't have anything freaky that he forgot to disclose and I have to act like I've seen it before or it's perfectly normal. (Usually reserved for the 1st sexual experience...or for some people, the first sober sexual experience or sexual experience with the lights on);

Thought #3: What is he doing? How can I make him stop doing that without spending the next 6 months reassuring him that he isn't a bad lover I just didn't like that.

Thought #4: Please don't let him be into anything really freaky...(i.e. don't let me walk in and find him wearing my lingerie and heels, learn he is into farm animals [doing or acting like one] or call me "Mommy." Ewwwwww - btw, that was Ewwwww as in gross, not the sheep.

Thought # 5: Man, are those cobwebs on the ceiling? I just dusted!"

Thought #6:  Did you see his ex? There is no WAY I am getting naked knowing he dated a girl that looked like that. Yes, she may be completely psychotic and I may be smarter and have a better personality, but you don't f#%k personality! (New relationship pre-sex)

Thought #7: "Seriously? What's with the double standard? I need a freakin' machete' down here!"

Thought #8: Is he close? I hope he is close. I'm chaffing here!

Thought #9: Does he know he is making that face? I wonder if he knows he is making that face?

Thought #10: He wants to have sex now? Vampire Diaries is on in 5 minutes. ( Vampire Diaries can be swapped with any of the following: Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, etc)

Thought #11: Is it rude if I tap his head to get his attention?

Thought #12: Why do all men do that dance? (Ladies you know the one-and men so do you. Your man stands naked with his hands on his head, legs apart, and thrusts his hips back and forth making his "wing man" fly back and forth wildly.)

Thought #13: So I guess we're done with foreplay?

Thought #14: Really? He got completely naked but couldn't take the extra 2 seconds to take off the black socks? I wonder if I can take them off with my toes?

(For those with kids)
Thought #15: Did I lock the door? Did he lock the door? The kids are going to walk in? Did he lock the door? Did I lock the door? I know I didn't lock the door? I bet he didn't lock the door. I bet the door's not locked...


Don't forget to check out my book: Why Am I Still Single? A Tough Love Guide For Single Women Available on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Am-Still-Single-Tough/dp/0985590610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348718953&sr=8-1&keywords=why+am+i+still+single+shay+stone

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Wilford Brimley is Pissed

Wilford Brimley is pissed.

Why you ask? Because you have been slacking.

"But Shay", you say, "I have been working all day. I come home, take care of my family and then do my A-Z challenge like a good little blogger."

Well, let me ask you this: When was the last time you checked your blood sugar?

See, that's what I thought!

Seriously, can someone tell me why he is so pissed off? I will be sitting in my living room, watching TV, not bothering anyone, then BAM! there he is on my screen, with his red, bulldog like face and his overgrown, furry caterpiller mustache all up in my business, like a total hard ass telling me, "You check your blood sugar and you check it often! There's no reason not to."

Excuse me Mr. Brimley, but I do have a valid reason not to: I don't have diabetes. So, why are you going all postal and yelling at me?

Do you get paid on every diabetes or as you say, "dibeetus", kit you sell? Are you pissed because you have to prick your fingers and think everyone should suffer and feel your pain?

All I know is I don't come into your living room and make you suffer the same things I have to go through. Have I ever gotten pissy with you and demanded, "You get a pap smear and you get it often!" I didn't think so!

I don't know why you are so angry. Maybe you are mad that you can't eat things with sugary goodness or maybe you are upset because Our House got cancelled.

All I know is you better back off, Brim or I will start spiking your food with pixie stix. So, Mr. Brimley, you check your blood sugar and you check it often and leave me in piece to eat my Reese's peanut butter cups! You don't scare me!

Well maybe a little... seriously, what is with that mustache?