Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Friday, February 7, 2014

How Not to End Up Single On Valentine's Day (and Maybe Even Get Yourself Laid)

It's that time of year again. Red and pink everywhere. Hearts, balloons, scary overgrown  babies with bow and arrows aimed at you. It looks like Valentine's Day threw up all over Walmart. And here you are trying to figure out what to get the love of your life. For those of you that said, "You mean I have to get her a gift?" Stop reading. There is clearly no hope for you.

For those of you that are trying desperately to find the perfect gift, I have come up with a list that will either get you laid or get you single. However, that sounds a little crass, and since I am a classy broad from here on out I will be referring to them as Bad Bets and Better Bets.

Bad Bet: Workout clothing or equipment
OK while this should be a no brainer, apparently to some people, it's not. Valentine's Day is not the time to take the opportunity to say, Hey Tons of Fun, I think you are a porker and need to work out more. This makes you an insensitive jerk and frankly, well we sure as hell aren't going to let you see us naked after we get this gift.

Better Bet: Lingerie
Lingerie is the best of both worlds: It says, hey I think you are incredibly sexy just the way you are and I want to get down and dirty with you plus, let's face it, the chances of you seeing it on her are pretty darn good. Bonus points for taking into consideration her comfort level when picking out the gift. If she is confident, go for a sexy bra/pantie/garter combo. If she is a little self conscious a babydoll nightie is a great bet. Remember the sexier she feels, the luckier you will get ;)

Bad Bet: Cheap Candy Hearts filled with chocolate from Walmart or the drug store
Nothing says, "Oh shit! Today is Valentine's day?!?" like one of those Russel Stover candy hearts filled with assorted chocolates. Even if you bought it in advance, it still looks like a last minute gift that you put absolutely no thought into at all.

Better Bet: Fresh Chocolate Covered Strawberries (or her favorite type of candy or cupcakes) from a specialty shop. 
It shows you pay attention to what she likes and made the extra effort by going out of your way to get them. You can even go online and order from specialty shops and have them sent to her.

Bad Bet: Poor Planning
You think you are doing a nice thing. You want to take your wife/girlfriend out for a nice evening. One problem...it's Valentine's Day and you forgot to make reservations. Now she is standing in her 3-4 inch heels, hungry, waiting 2+ hours for a table.

This also goes for not planning a sitter if you have kids. You cannot...I REPEAT cannot come home on Valentine's day, tell your wife to get ready because you are going to dinner then sit on the couch and expect her to find a sitter, get ready, and be happy about it. You are putting all of the pressure on her and then, when she can't find a sitter on VALENTINE'S DAY, you give her the old shoulder shrug I tried as you sit on the couch and watch Sports Center.No, this makes you a schmuck.

Better Bet: Plan Ahead.
Make reservations and if necessary, arrange for a sitter in advance. This means making certain that if your kids have any important projects they need to get done, they are finished the day before so that your wife/girlfriend isn't stressed about leaving the child to fend for his or herself. Again, (and you may notice a recurring theme here) it shows you took the time to think about her and put some effort into it.

Bad Bet: Doing Nothing
Congratulations...you're single! I know....I know... you both agreed that you weren't going to do anything special but trust me...do something special. She is going to be hearing about the flowers and jewelry her girlfriends received from their boyfriends or husbands and when asked what she received, she is going to get to reply, "We decided not to do anything." Trust me, by the 4th or 5th time she has to mumble this, she is going to be thinking, you know he really could have done something. Three weeks later, you end up in a huge fight about something stupid like washing your socks and underwear together and you are left wondering why your usually sane girl went all Lorena Bobbitt on you. This is why. Yes it is passive aggressive and yes she shouldn't have said Valentine's Day didn't matter when it did. And the truth is, at the time, she may have meant it. But the minute everyone starts getting gifts and love is in the air, it is going to bother her more and more. You've been warned.

Better Bet: Romantic Evening In
I get it. Money is tight. But Valentine's Day is the same date every year so you know it is coming. This is when something simple like making her a romantic dinner at home and renting her favorite (or a new) romantic comedy can really pay off. All you have to say is, "I know we said we weren't going to do anything special, but you are special to me so I wanted to at least do something to make sure you knew that." BAM! You're golden. Even if you stopped and picked up a pizza from her favorite place and eat it by candlelight, she will more than appreciate the effort you're making. Eat, watch a cheesy movie, give her a nice little massage and watch where things go.Trust me. You will reap benefits for weeks.

Oh, and for all of those people that say, "I don't celebrate these stupid holidays because if that is the only time I can how you how much I love you than we have problems" all I have to say is that is total crap! Please refer to Doing Nothing. Again, yes, you may show it at other times, and you damn well should, but making that little extra effort to prove to her that she means the world to you on a day when the world is celebrating love will not kill you...although, again, it could lead to some amazing sex that could get pretty wild. Get her a card. Write her a love letter. Do something for the woman that stands by you in good and bad times, is your coach when you're down, your biggest cheerleader when you're up, and is your best friend.

Remember the little things are often the most important. They remind us that we are appreciated and loved. Once many people get comfortable in relationships, they get lazy and believe their significant other should just know how they feel. But when you stop doing the little things you imply complacency and that your relationship isn't worth celebrating. You have found someone you love and that means the world to you. Never miss an opportunity to tell that person just how happy you are to have them in your life.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!