Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Here I Come To Save The Day!

As many of you may have heard, there is a little movie coming out this week called The Dark Night Rises. This is one in a series of superhero movies that is being or has been released this year.

Here are a few others and their "kryptonite."



Spiderman - aka Peter Parker.
Superpower-Can shoot webs and swing all around town catching bad guys.
Added Bonus- Can climb up walls so you don't have to worry about dusting fans or light fixtures.
Monetary Status-Poor. Crime fighting doesn't pay well and he has a hard time keeping his day job after chasing bad guys all night.
Dating Drawback-Spiderwebs in you hair and um...maybe other places. Plus, he probably won't kill a spider for you. After all, it may be family.
Kryptonite- A can of Raid or a really big tissue.



Batman - aka Bruce Wayne
Superpower- He has really cool toys he uses to catch bad guys.
Added Bonus-Has a kickass car and his own theme music.
Monetary status- If he had a dollar for every dollar he had he'd have another couple billion dollars.
Dating Drawback- Unreliable. Maybe called away to chase Jokers and Penguins on a moments notice; No quickies-that suit has to be a bitch to get off. Also, his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, seems like a bit of an overly medicated, depressing wanker.
Kryptonite: Ozzy Ozbourne



Iron Man- aka Tony Stark
Superpower-Brilliant. He can make anything he needs to beat the bad guys and has the money to do it.
Added Bonus: He is a witty  good-hearted, philanthropist. The fact that  Robert Downey Jr.plays him seriously ups his YUMMY factor.
Monetary Status-Bill Gates has been heard saying, "God that guy's rich!"
Dating Drawback-He is a self proclaimed playboy; also, you had better make sure your car insurance is paid up because he is bound to scratch up your car with his iron hands and feet.
Kryptonite: A hose, heavy rain or a good thunderstorm.


Wonder Woman- aka Diana Prince
Superpower- Super speed and strength.
Added bonus- The girl knows how to accessorize. She has bulletproof bracelets and a lasso of truth. Traffic jam? No worries. She has an invisible jet.
Monetary status- She is a princess and runs a large corporation. So shorty got a car, shorty got a job, shorty can pay her own rent.
Dating Drawback- OK, she's not exactly a "shorty." Being an Amazon Princess makes her one big bitch that could squash a smaller man. Her vibrator is the size of a thermos; Also, you can't lie to her-she has a lasso of truth.
Kryptonite- "Where the hell did I put my bracelets?!?" If her bracelets break, she will be thrust into an uncontrollable rage; other weakness- a penis. Yup, that's right. When all is said and done, she is still a woman. If a man binds her hands, she is completely powerless. So for all you freaky-deaks out there, bondage is off the table. However, given the way that she spins like an Olympic ice skater to turn from Diana to Wonder Woman, I think most men would forgo the bondage for a little sit and spin.


16 comments:

  1. I'm always up for a sit and spin, lol

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  2. Batman's kryptonite: Ozzy Osbourne.

    Simply inspired.

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    1. Thanks Addman! I just hope I didn't help out all the evil geniuses out there :)

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  3. That is funny stuff Shay. I've missed you. I was a little scared to comment on your last post :)

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    1. Why were you afraid? Never be afraid to comment on my posts:)

      I missed you too. I tried to contact you (and Chiz) through your blog but for some reason, blogger/blogspot wouldn't let me send private messages. I was going to have some people comment on certain chapters of my book and I thought you both would have been great. Everything has been turned in now, but I am already working on my next one so hopfully I'll be able to use you on that one if you are game :)

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    2. I wasn't afraid. I was just trying to be funny above. I love your blog and how you are an equal opportunity insulter...

      I'd be honored to be your guinea pig! Contact me at barflysss@gmail.com anytime. It is on my profile.

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    3. Awesome! I just spoke to my publisher and she said we actually have a few chapters left. I'll email you with some details to see if you are game:)

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    4. I received your email and answered. I am in!
      Thanks

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    5. Awesome! You rock. I forwarded it to my publisher and she was going to forward the chapter to you today :)

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  4. Awesome post! The list of kryptonites were utterly hilarious. My kryptonite would probably be my weight gain and lack of exercise.

    Also, just read your response to Barfly. I didn't realize private messages could be sent though blogger. The more I know. Anyway, if you ever need to contact me about anything, my email is 'crunchydoughnuts@aol.com'. I'll eventually created a blog specific account, but that should work in the meantime.

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    1. Thanks! I just replied to Barfly too. I spoke with my publisher and there are still some chapters that need comments. I am going to email you in a second:)

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    2. You should be getting the chapter today :) YAY!!!!

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  5. I never read or watched anything having to do with superheroes, but my brother recently told me that Batman is one dark hero, I am intrigued. I think I'll definitely be watching the new Batman movie, but the actor who plays Batman uses the most ridiculous voice.

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    1. Yeah, I can't stand Christian Bale (the Batman guy). I like the Batman movies. The other one are just eh, but Batman is cool for the toys alone! Oh I like Iron Man too, but who wouldn't like staring at Robert Downey Jr for 2 hours?LOL

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    2. OMG, I just watched the Dark Knight the other day. I hadn't seen it in a LONG time. I heard him talking and was like HOLY crap! Why is he talking like that? How annoying. If I was an evil villain I would pump helium into the Bat Cave.

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