Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Crush - Conclusion

"Hey," Joe said with a smile. A smile I knew was meant for me. He slipped his arm around my waist, pulled me to him, embracing me. (Alright, it was just a hug but I'm setting a mood here people!). I could smell his Drakar cologne. I breathed in a little deeper to take in the scent as he began to let go.

"Thank you for this," he said holding up the rose and the card. "I mean, 'wow'. (pause) Do you think maybe I could pick you up from school today and we could go talk for awhile?"

I have no idea what happened next. I guess I said yes because he was there at 2:30pm to pick me up. I had dreamed about him picking me up from school in his car since he first pulled it into the parking lot a few years ago. Now there I was sitting in Joe Smith's Camaro right next to Joe Smith! Holy crap. I was smiling so much I must have looked like the Joker from Batman.

We drove to his house. As we pulled into the driveway he said, "Well, this is my house."

"Yeah, I know," I said then wanted to kick myself. Yeah ya big dork! Let him know that you stalk him on a regular basis. DOH!

As we walked into the house I was immediately overcome with the lovely, fragrant smell of dog pee. Well dog pee and Drakar. He turned to me, offered me something to drink then asked me if I wanted to go into his room and, yep, you guessed it... look at his clothes. At first I was nervous. I thought Oh my God, I hope he isn't bringing me here because he thinks I'm gonna..we're gonna...

Joe was no stranger to sex. His reputation preceded him. He was very experienced. A man whore some might say. I, on the other hand, was not. To say I was inexperienced was an understatement. I'm serious. My best friend and I thought oral sex consisted of 2 people talking about sex. Joe must have seen the hesitation on my face. He said, "That's OK, I can bring some out." And that was exactly what he did. He showed me his clothes. IOU sweatshirts, Guess jeans, fancy tennis shoes. He told me how his mom had a garage sale and the following Monday all of the kids from school started showing up in his clothes. I tried to look interested, but seriously WTH? This was so not the way I imagined our first date would be.

Next we went down into his basement where his pool table was. I thought OK cool, we can play pool. That'll be fun...more fun than looking at his stupid clothes. Unfortunately the pool table was littered with clothes and knick-knacks his mom had placed on there presumably getting ready for the next garage sale. At least, I hoped she was.We decided to sit down on the basement couch.

"Oooooo, I have something I want to show you," he said with excitement as he jumped up and ran to get something out of his bedroom.

What could he possibly have to show me? What was this special thing he was about to share with me? My heart started to race. I wasn't sure if it was from anticipation of what he might bring back or out of fear that he was going to show me more clothes. He returned with a photo album.

"Here," he said opening the book, "This is a photo album of all the girls I dated that screwed me over."

What do you say to that? I mean how do you respond to that? "Oh gimme! Let me see" ? or "Oh, you have one of these too?" I suppressed my urge to say well, that's healthy, ya freak and decided to go with, "Wow, a whole book?" was a whole book -about 60 pages of pictures and notes - and we went through every damn page of it. When we finished and he had relayed all of his stories to me he remarked about how he knew I'd never hurt him like that. I took this opportunity to tell him I had to go home because...hell I don't remember what I told him. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. The pee/Drakar aroma was starting to burn my nose and eyes.

(OK, I realize this post is getting long, but I PROMISED you guys I would finish it. Besides, here comes the funny stuff).

I reflected on everything as Joe drove me home. Was this his idea of a date? Was this what he did with girls? I made some small talk as we pulled into my driveway. He put the car in park, turned to me, his beautiful blue eyes peering into mine and said the words I had waited to hear since 7th grade.

"Can I kiss you?"

OMG! OMG! Holy crap! He wants to kiss me. OK, so sure the date sucked and being with him was more boring than watching paint dry. And yes I had to use small words when I spoke to him because he looked like I had asked him to divide 458936894326 by 833975794 every time I used a word with more than 2 syllables, but I had been dreaming of him kissing me for like 5 years.

"Sure. But do you see that man and woman?" I said pointing to the two people working in the front yard that kept looking curiously at the strange car in the driveway. "Those are my godparents. So would you mind coming in the house?"

He smiled and agreed. I went to open the front door, but my mom, who had asked for my key because she lost her's, forgot to leave the door unlocked.

"Hold on, I'll be right back." I went to the side door which was also locked. I went around back to the french doors...also locked. I pulled the picnic table over to the bathroom window, popped out the bathroom screen, slid the window open, grabbed onto the roof overhang and swung my leg in through the window turning my body just enough to see Joe standing there watching.

"Ummm, the door is locked so I have to go in through the window," I said, hoping with any luck, that God would allow me to spontaneously combust right then. Joe watched as I finished climbing in.

"OK, I can let you in now," I said smiling.

"OK," he said as he climbed up on the picnic table about to come in through the window. Man, it was a good thing he was pretty because there wasn't a brain in that boy. Just dust, cobwebs and mounds of clothes.

"No, no," I said stopping him. "I'm in now. I can unlock the side door."

"Oh," he said. You could tell that thought had not dawned on him and he was still trying to comprehend what I meant. As I walked to unlock the door I thought, OK, so he isn't smart...alright he is an idiot, but you have waited for this forever. I unlocked the door and he came in. I told him I apologized for the door being locked as he slipped his arms around my waist. He took one hand and brushed my face lightly. This was it! OMG! I am about to get my kiss! I was so excited. I prayed I wouldn't throw up.

He leaned in and closed his eyes and I closed mine. I could feel his lips so close to mine, about to touch.


My dog had jumped up between the two of us so that we kissed her instead of each other.

"Shadow!" I yelled while pushing her away. "Get down!"

I wanted to die! I apologized as I buried my head in his chest wondering if it was indeed possible to die of embarrassment. He laughed and as I looked up at him, he lifted my chin with his hand, bent down and kissed me. Let me be more specific: He gave me the the worst kiss I have EVER had in my life!

Seriously I felt like he was shoving his tongue so far down my throat that he would be able to lick my stomach. I began to wonder if tonsils could actually be sucked out. I kept waiting for it to end. I even tried to casually pat my leg to call my dog back over. She wouldn't come, presumably because she didn't want to get spit on her head. Seriously, when we were done, there was so much, shall we say moisture that I thought I was going to need a shop vac. He smiled, clearly proud of his ability. He hugged me good-bye, asked me for my phone number, hugged me again and told me he would see me at school tomorrow.

Needless to say that love affair did not happen. 5 freakin' years of waiting for that! I replayed that date over and over again in my mind and always came to the same conclusion. The shop-vac would have been a better kisser.

Like most things in life, he was so much better in my head.


  1. Replies
    1. Tole ya:) The date from Hell. HaHa

    2. That was "told" not "tole." haha

  2. Ooooh nooo! Did you let him down easy? Did you earn a page in his book, you think?

    1. Probably! At least I won't have my picture in it;) I know one of the girls he dated is now gay...maybe after dating him she figured OK, well that's enough of dating men!(BTW, she was in the book!) Haha

  3. OH MY BLOODY GOD!! This was TOO funny and well worth the wait...unlike a date with Joe.

    Not only did I just evacuate my bowels from laughing so hard but my child's stomach is rumbling like a volcano due to hunger, because I had to read to the end.

    Loved it!

    1. HAHA...I hope you were wearing Depends. I would hate to have to cleanup that mess1 Especially right before you make your child dinner!

  4. Maybe you should have read his book. It may have mentioned the sloppiness.

    1. Right?!? Unfortunately I still would have had to go there before he would have let me read it.

  5. haha! love that last line:)

  6. He went about it all wrong. You've got to bring out the silly t-shirt collection first before lead into the name-brands.

    Anyway, this conclusion was more epic than I had imagined which is the opposite feeling that you had about the date unfortunately. Hilarious post! I hope you've got some more comedic stories in line for us.

    1. Oh, I definitely do! My life is like a sitcom. Something new and crazy is always happening.

      I think you are right about the t-shirt thing. If there would have been a build-up I might not have been so bored. See, you could have given "Joe" dating advice :)

  7. I wasn't expecting this ending. My Joe and I went on to kiss, and he was amazing. That little bastard broke my heart. I think you would have done him a major favor by telling him he was an awful kisser. Maybe that's why he was hurt by so many girls. They couldn't take the intestinal cleansing his tongue gave them anymore.

  8. HAHA I think you might be right Nellie! You can only take some much intestinal cleaning.

    Glad your kiss went better. I bet he is kicking himself now for breaking your heart. Stupid boys!

  9. What a weird, not so bright boy! Glad you were able to catch on to that, and that you didn't like his attempt at pulling your tonsils out (my lips are still furled as I imagine that).

    Please come by my blog for a gift I'm giving you.

  10. I found you through a.eye's shout out. This was HYSTERICAL. I am sure at the time it was heartbreaking and disappointing (gosh, I wouldn't want to relieve those years for anything!) Your writing is great and the way you tell a story is engaging!