Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Y is for Yoga

Y is for yoga you gotta be out of your damn mind!

Everyone talks about how great yoga is for your body. You always see these really healthy, chilled out, fit people in their all white flowing clothes or leotards (even men) on television talking about how great yoga is and how it has transformed their lives.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

I am incredibly flexible...always have been. So I thought yoga would be a fun, new, easy way to stay in shape. I also liked saying, "Namaste," so that definitely sweetened the deal for me. Plus, I think it would be cool to describe someone other than those that smoke weed, as being Zen.

"The Dude" from The Big Lebowski
Very Zen.

So I went to my first class. It started out simple enough. We did some stretching and were told to hold a pose the instructor referred to as "Tree" or as I call it "Falling Tree." Still, I thought this isn't so bad...a little boring and slow moving, but not so bad.

Yeah...the teacher was just screwing with us at that point. She introduced us to more poses with serene names like, "Triangle" and  "Lotus," that we "transitioned" into fluidly...well, she transitioned into them fluidly. The rest of us looked like the Titanic right after it hit the iceberg. Then just when we thought we were kind of getting it...

Timber!!!
Scorpion
She got crazy.


It was like someone hit the fast forward button and the next thing we knew it was "Triangle to Tree!"

"Tree to Downward Facing Dog into Cobra!"

"Cobra to Scorpion into Turtle into Downward Facing Dog humping Scorpion!"

"Cobra eats Scorpion. Downward Facing Dog Kills Cobra Sleeps under Tree."

Wait, what?!? Room spinning...Dizzy...Woman Hits Floor.

Or at least that is the pose I assume they thought I was doing because it took them a minute to notice anything was wrong and get to me. I know this because I had passed out somewhere between Downward Facing Dog and Turtle and basically ended up looking like Clusterf%#k. You don't truly know what a clusterf%#k is until you wake up on the floor with your head on the ground looking at your own ass.

"Sleeping turtle" or as I call it
"You gotta be outta your damn mind!"

I was dizzy. I was bruised. I was sore. But I sure as hell wasn't ZEN! That was when I decided to invent my own pose. I call it Woman with Wine Glass. Namaste.

Now she looks Zen!


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30 comments:

  1. When I was a kid we called it Twister and it had more color and a spinner!

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    1. Me too and it was a LOT more fun. I kind of think yoga instructors are the ones that always got stuck holding the spinner. They grow up spending their time stretching and contorting their bodies so that one day they can become yoga instructors and pay us all back.

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  2. I am a yogurt instructor. It's much less demanding.

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    1. I think you found the career you've been searching for in your blog.Now do you instruct in a Yogurt shop (i.e. TCBY) or in the freezer isle of local supermarkets?

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  3. Yoga is way overrated. Science proves it.

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  4. Loved this post and sure wish I would have found you earlier in the challenge - oh well glad I found you now, it's not as if we are all going to stop blogging when the challenge ends. Cheers!
    Signed, Woman with Beer :)

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    1. Hey Martha! Welcome to my blog:) I plan on blogging for a long time so no worries. I feel it would be unfair to the world to keep this useful information all to myself. LOL

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    2. I agree! You rock Shay! :)

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  5. Yoga huh? You should try Zumba. A whole lot of shaking the booty and anything goes.

    And I am pretty sure there are no moves in which you must kiss your own ass.

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    1. No, but there are many that make me fall on my ass! LOL I did try Zumba. I needed oxygen after the first 5 minutes. I'm thinking shuffleboard is my next move.

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  6. Namaste indeed! Another round for me and my blog pal here!

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  7. Yeah, screw that. I have my head up my ass enough, thus I surely don't need to be sore and tired to boot.

    You also reminded me of the song, 'Everything Zen,' by Bush. I don't think so!

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    1. Right?!? Me too. Lately my head seems to be so far up my ass I am thinking about seeing a proctologist. I don't need yoga to put it up there any further.

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  8. I love yoga, and I have been practicing it since I was nine. However, I've seen people on youtube doing these crazy poses that I have never done, nor will I ever do. A person should not be able to lick their own bum.

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    1. Yeah, not to get to personal, but I was in an accident and one of the things that I can no longer do is to change levels/positions quickly (up/down). If I do I can pass out. That is why yoga was such a challenge for me. I will stick to something simpler...like full contact boxing;)

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  9. I agree! My biggest problem when I tried yoga was the quiet. It was just bizarre and awkward after the first few minutes, and I just ended up laughing hysterically whenever I nearly fell over.

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    1. See, when it's that quiet, I start thinking of all the things that COULD happen and that makes me laugh. (I laughed when I fell over too...or as I should say, EVERY time I fell over;)

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  10. There was a guest on Colbert one night who said there was a pose that could kill you if done incorrectly...that was enough for me, even though I can't remember who the guy was and what credentials he had that would indicate I should trust him!

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    1. OMG! See, I like to stay away from exercises that, oh I don't know, MIGHT KILL ME! It could be one of the poses above. I have to think if you did the Scorpion wrong, you could break your neck or if you do the turtle, you could get stuck and if no one found you for days you would probably die. LOL

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  11. That was hilarious and the Dude made the scene. I guess the best pose is the wine glass...see how she's hypnotized by the wine?

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    1. Yeah, how could I write a post about Zen without including The Dude.haha

      I know about the woman with the wine. She is looking like, "MUST DRINK NOW." I thought it was perfect for the piece I wrote. haha

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  12. The only time I tried that crazy stuff was when the instructor was really hot once. She noticed my "interest" and made me do the "Pogo Stick" .... that bitch.

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    1. Yet I see no mention (or pictures of THAT on your blog.LOL OUCH!

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  13. Okay, first of all- hilarious.

    Secondly, you just had a bad experience. Yoga IS really beneficial. But it's more about breathing and mental attitude than it is about the poses. It sounds like the person teaching your class had no respect for your newness. It is SUPPOSED to be gentle and relaxing. Yowch!

    Congrats on completing the A to Z!

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    1. Thank you, Kaye!

      The sad thing is it was SUPPOSED to be a class for beginners... and it SO wasn't. I told one of the other comment-ers that I am pretty sure she is the one that always got stuck spinning the thing in Twister and she was taking out her pent up frustration on all of us! haha

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  14. This one was so funny! Once I got to, Dog eats cobra and falls asleep under the tree...I lost it. hahahaha
    It's always nice to be able to come here for a good laugh.

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    1. Haha Thank you my dear:) I may have (had)food poisoning but that is no excuse to not be funny;)

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