Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Friday, April 20, 2012

R is for Rock Star...

I am a Rock Star. In fact, not only am I a Rock Star, but I am a rock star with incredible vocal range. I have been known to belt out an Olivia Newton John melody and follow it up with a head banging song by Disturbed. Oh yeah, that's right. I'm that good.


So why have you never heard of me? Probably because I mainly do small venues like my shower or car. A lot of people seem to like my car performance. I can tell because when I am belting out Lady Marmalade's Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? and getting my best Christina on, I can see them pointing and laughing at me through their window. They are of course jealous of my amazing voice (even though they can't hear it) and of my kick ass driver seat choreography. Oh that's right...with me, you don't just get ear candy...you get eye candy too.  I'm poppin' -n-lockin' like a crazy person, which sometimes causes  me to hit the brake instead of the gas, so if you ever see me driving, don't follow too closely. Just sit back in the next lane and enjoy my sweet Jagger like moves. 

(By the way, why is everyone so obsessed with having "moves like Jagger" ? Has anyone ever seen him dance? It's not pretty and sure as hell isn't something to brag about.  He looks like a duck or a pigeon trying to take a shit. Seriously, it isn't good.)

Sweet moves?


My shower performance is pretty racey as I perform naked. I tried getting all dressed up in leather complete with chains and sleazy zipper top, but my chains kept rusting, so I decided to go al naturale. I have 2 microphones that most would say look a lot like a conditioner or shampoo bottle. I get down and dirty, although I do not pop -n- lock because it is too slippery and the last time I tried that, I fell out of the shower and into the toilet. In that instance, I had the moves like Courtney Love.


I usually have an audience for my shower show. Three dogs and my cat, also known as my groupies. My cat isn't so much into the vocal aspect of my show as much as she is mystified by the fact that I am allowing water to pour all over me; a concept that both fascinates and terrifies her. She paws against the door in a Don't worry Mom, I  am trying to help you. I just can't open this damn door because I have no opposable thumbs kinda way.


Groupie
My dogs howl. The reason why is still undetermined. I am not sure if they hate my singing (as if!) or if they are trying to audition to be my back-up singers. I would never tell them this but I wouldn't hire them as they are incredibly off-key. Maybe I'll refer them to Brittney Spear's where their vocal talent won't matter.


By now, you are probably dying to catch one of my shows, but I am sorry to say, that much like Jagger, you will get no satisfaction. I have stage fright. OK, I guess it isn't stage fright as much as it is the fear that people will hear my voice without the proper acoustics that my car and shower provide, boo me unmercifully and throw lettuce, tomatoes and other vegetables at me. Why do they throw those things? Do they want me to make a salad while I am singing? 


Anyway, your only hope of catching one of my performances is if you see me driving. Then you can at least get the joy of seeing me Dancing In the Streets and busting my moves like Jagger. But don't worry, I promise not to shit on your windshield.





29 comments:

  1. Brilliant post. I hate that move like Jagger song. Me and Mrs Addman make up our own alternative lyrics, such as "I've got some moobs (man-boobs) like Jagger", or "I stole some pubes from Jagger".

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    1. Hahahaha, that's great. Although, I must tell you, if you "stole some pubes from Jagger" you probably want to have your hands tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

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  2. lol! I have a confession to make, ok - I am a bit partial to listening and singing along to a terrible song by Cheryl Lloyd, Swagger Jagger! Its so bad its almost good, right?

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    1. I will take the 5th on that! LOL It's cool, as long as you rock it out in the privacy of your own car or bathroom :)

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  3. I like Disturbed. Any tickets left for the shower show?

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    1. Sadly, there is limited seating and my furry little groupies usually have those filled. I'll let you know though!hahaha

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  4. That was very funny. I particularly liked the moves like Courtney Love bit.

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    1. Thanks, Flip!!! Yeah, I was a train wreck!LOL

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  5. I too have notice that Jagger dances like he's having an epileptic seizure.

    Though I don't frequent the shower singing as much as my neighbors live too close, I find my car to be an excellent recording studio.

    Hilarious post!

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    1. Thank you. I will watch for you rocking out in your car too...I will just be sure not to set my coffee on you roof! haha

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  6. *snicker* Awesomeness all around! Ah yes, and a *standing ovation* for good measure! The Jagger descriptor? Spot on. I'm a Keith Richards groupie, myself. Then again, I have a weird fetish for zombies.
    As for the salad fixins, the chicken wire makes FAR more sense, now.... ;)

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    1. Why thank you, my dear! BTW, LOVE the zombie/Keith Richardson comparison. I always say that he is dead someone just forgot to tell him to lay down.LOL

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  7. We should tour together, only not nude or in the shower. I can play a mean steering wheel drum and bob my head up and down. I am certain that the other drivers think I am having a seizure.

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    1. Oh, I am TOTALLY in! Have your people call my people and we'll set something up. Do your people speak dog? Because they are not only my groupies, but my managers as well.

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  8. I laughed at your moves like Jagger comment because I have often wondered why they have that in the song. I've seen seizures that have more style.

    Great post. Good luck with the rest of the challenge!

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    1. Thanks! And thanks for coming by. I hope you will visit again:)

      Yeah, the Jagger thing baffles me. Who came up with that?

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    2. All I can think of is the "Start Me Up" video from the 80s. With his weird elbows jutting out from the sides, and this strut that just...there aren't even words to describe the weirdness.

      And I do like Wordpress. I personally find it easier that Blogger, but truth be told I haven't used Blogger as much. My work's website is Wordpress based, so that helps me know the ins and outs a little better.

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    3. Cool! Thanks.

      I know the exactly what you are talking about. I think he was the original inventor of the stupid duck lip thing kids do in pictures. I know there is a song that talks about how they "kick'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger." Really?!? His face looks like an old tire.

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  9. How much do you charge for the shower show? Or do you get in free if you're furry? Does that mean there's something about you we should know? Except, you didn't know about that pillow thing, so, maybe, you don't know about furries, either.

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  10. No, I told Barfly, there is only limited seating for the shower show and my groupies already have those tied up.

    OK, have no idea about the furries thing, but I can't help but notice you are very well versed in weird shit. haha

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    1. I just read a lot. I know more sciencey things than other people, too.

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    2. Ahhhh, and dare I ask what "furries" are?LOL

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    3. It comes out of anime and manga. It's people who are all into (furry) animal people. Evidently, lots of people at cons dress up as them. It's become some sort of fetish.

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    4. Ewwwwwwww! OK, want to hear something gross? Of course you do. Who doesn't want to hear something gross? Someone that used to work for me was telling us about something similar, only it was total animal costumes...no partial human. Most look like mascots or something. I didn't believe him until he pulled it up on the computer.

      To each their own I guess. YUCK!

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  11. Wait, is this like when you taste something horrid and turn to the person next to you and say, "here, taste this!"

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  12. Love reading your blogs, they make me smile :)

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    1. xoxo I'm glad:) Let's me honest though. You like this one because I talk about my naked shower show;)

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  13. I think I am a wonderful singer, but no one agrees. In my head, I sound like a Siren and an angel were making love and had a simultaneous orgasm. I've even recorded myself singing, and sure it sounds like a crow is being tortured, but that just may be my crappy recording equipment. If we get together and recorded a duet, we could make millions...of people cry.

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    1. Oh Nellie, we are SO going on tour together! If people won't pay to hear us sing, maybe they'll pay to make us stop! It's a Win-Win!

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