Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

M is for the Monster in my Fridge

If you are anything like me, and you're probably not. I'm pretty sure they broke the mold when they made me. God was like, "Yeah, one's enough. How many times have I told you no drinking or doing drugs on the job people?!?"


But let's say you are something like me. You have probably spent some time pondering the great questions in life:


Stupid horse!
Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Who are the "they" in the those sentences, i.e."You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" or "You know what they say, it's always darkest before the dawn" (Well DUH! When else would it be the darkest)? 


While these thoughts often leave us baffled, there is one of the great mysteries of the world that I am happy to be able to solve for you: How do you know when sour cream has gone bad?


This question perplexed me for quite a while. How do you tell if sour cream has gone sour? I mean sour is in the name. Hasn't it already gone bad? Yet we still eat it. 


Sour cream gone bad
Well, one day I found out the answer. I was making something that called for a 1/2 cup of it. I went into the refrigerator and picked up the sour cream...it moved. Startled, I set it back on the shelf and thought WTH? I looked around to see if anyone else had seen it, then remembered I was home alone, my dogs were outside and my cat was next to me but was too busy inappropriately licking herself to have noticed. I stood there and watched for a second to see if I could detect any more movement. Nothing. Assuming I had imagined the whole thing, I grabbed the container again.

I'm not sure what happened next. All I can tell you is I opened the container, saw something green that abruptly jumped out of my hand, growled at my cat and was last seen heading North on I-75. Clearly it had gone bad. But it didn't stop there. I had noticed some other strange things. The cheese was turning green. The eggs, well they were bad too. There was something in the back behind the crisper drawers that I can only assume used to be some sort of fruit or vegetable. It was now furry, possibly rabid, and smoking a cigarette. As I reached for it I think it tried to bite me. Clearly the Sour Cream was the ring leader in some evil plot to take over the refrigerator. I had discovered it just in time because it apparently it was also trying to convince some bread and onions in the pantry to join them. I grabbed some tongs and removed the furry monster from behind the drawer. It, the cheese and the eggs met their demise in the garbage disposal. 

Bad fruit

I still have my suspicions that the sour cream was not acting alone. Every once in a while, the strawberries start to get the white fur on them that I now recognize as a gang thing. The milk tries to go bad sometimes too. But my money is on the baking soda. It has been there the longest, sitting in silence, plotting, just waiting for the day it can escape and catch up with the sour cream and take over the world.

Until then, another evil plot has been foiled. I don't want to go calling myself a hero so I'll let you do it. Meanwhile, be on the lookout for that bad sour cream and keep your refrigerators locked. I hear it's looking for a new hideout.

P.S. We are here to laugh; The meaning of life is to live a life worth meaning...

OK, that's a bunch of crap. Some of us are here to do stupid things so that the others (me) can make fun of them on their blog; The meaning of life can be summed up in one word: chocolate. I realize some people may say "sex." I say combine the two and everyone is happy; And I am one of the "they." We make up crap just to see who will believe it. MWAHAHAHA! 

*Remember to spread the laughter. Click the FB or Twitter share on the top of my page*

And to all of you A-Zers, we are halfway there! Good job!



24 comments:

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    1. Thank you for visiting! I hope you'll come back so I can make you laugh more:)

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  2. Your posts only get better and better. I laughed so hard that I almost cried. Then, I calmed down and shared this post. Sheer comedic brilliance.

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    1. Wow! Thank you. That is one of the best compliments I have ever received. You rock, Nellie-made my day:)

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  3. I think it stopped in Detroit. You should see what happens to meatloaf when it turns to the dark side!
    Great post!

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    1. OH NO! I am from Detroit. I warned my friends it may have been heading that way.

      I think meatloaf turns to the dark side as soon as the ingredients meet in the bowl!

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  4. Good stuff. The post, not the furry food. That was clearly evil, and thus not good.

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    1. Thanks and yes, be only the lookout. At first I thought the food was just trying to be fancy. Everyone likes to dress up once in a while. Plus, it has to be cold in there. It wasn't until it growled that I knew it was trouble. Have a great day, Flip!

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  5. OMG, I love this! -- Lost my appetite, but hell...I shouldn't be wanting to eat sour cream at 9a.m. in the morning anyway, lol. Half of a Red velvet cupcake, it is!

    ~Nicole
    *Recent A to Z Challenge Posts - My K is for Karma / My L is for Love*
    Blog: The Madlab Post
    @MadlabPost on Twitter

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    1. Holy crap! I want a Red velvet cupcake for breakfast! I don't even care if it has fur on it! Red Velvet cupcake: The breakfast of champions!

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  6. You're a trip. It's amazing how well your thoughts just stream to paper. I am sure this entire monologue was just a blip in your mind's timeline tho and was among a million other thoughts in that second. Well done.

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    1. Haha Thank you. Yes, my mind is a scary (and funny) place. I never know when it is going to go off on a tangent and where it might end up. I may start a sentence talking about alternative fuel sources and end it talking about why the old men in the balcony are the best Muppets.

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  7. The old men on the balcony are the best muppets! I know, because I'm Waldorf.

    The thing with sour cream is that you really never have to ask if it's gone bad. I mean, if you can't tell that it's bad, you're probably okay.

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    1. I love them!

      That's always been my theory on sour cream (and milk too).

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  8. I asked my husband once to toss out some broccoli that went bad. He opened the plastic container and literally stuck his face in it to smell it. Why he wouldn't take my word for it, I don't know. But he said it was the worst thing he'd ever smelled and still cringes when I bring it up.

    Stopping by for the A to Z challenge!

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    1. All I can say is, he is a man. It's like telling them "don't touch the stove it's hot" then they touch it anyway. It is just something they have to do.

      Welcome to my blog!

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  9. I'm so glad I read this so I'll know what to watch for in my fridge. I was always baffled by the sour cream, too, but now that I know about the plot, I'll make sure I eat it within a couple days.

    PS - Watch out for limes. They hide so you forget about them, then they attack, invisibly. They can even make good eggs go bad. ;)

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    1. I've heard about the limes. I won't even keep keylime pie in my refrigerator just in case.

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  10. Hi...I'm hopping over from the A to Z challenge...lovely blog...good luck with the challenge!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donasdays.blogspot.com

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    1. Hey Donna! Thanks for checking out my blog. I hope you will come back for more:)

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  11. My favorite part is that whatever was hiding behind your crisper drawer was smoking. Awesome post!

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    1. Thank you! I just want to know how the little bugger got out to get them. LOL

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  12. I think I have a vat of cream cheese that could rival your sour cream any day.

    Wanna wager anything on it? We could have a refrigerator photo-off. No wait. You'd win, I am sadly down to the cream cheese, some old taco meat (should probably just chuck that out) and the butter. OH and gatorade. And I'm thinking that could last until the next ice age...

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    1. Throw some Twinkies in there and you are definitely set for the next Ice Age...and the one after that!

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