Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I is for I'm Sexy and I Know It

If you have read some of my other posts, you may remember that I was in a car accident years ago. If you are new to my blog, I am sure you just assumed I had a head injury anyway. I had to undergo seven surgeries, one of which was a condylectomy.

Eh, batter batter, swing
What is a condylectomy you ask? Well allow me to paint you a picture. You are taken into an operating room.  The last thing you see before you are put under is a bunch of nurses and surgical staff sitting around eating peanuts and Cracker Jacks as a doctor in a baseball uniform holding a bat walks up to you as he takes his final warm up swing. Wait a minute! Is this pillow shaped like home plate? HELpppp (snoring)! Next thing I know I am waking up with my jaw broken and mouth wired shut. Now I'm not saying he did it, but I think the evidence speaks for itself. Unfortunately my jaw was wired shut so I couldn't rat him out to the authorities.

Several hours later when I woke up in recovery, I see this hot intern. Well I guess I should back up a little. See before I went down to surgery, as I was sitting in my sexy hospital gown, with no make-up on, and as nervous as could be, I saw him walking by and we smiled at each other. It wasn't one of those Bow Chicka Bow Wow smiles. It was more like a, "Dude, I'm about to go into surgery and I'm scared" grin while his was like a "Yeah, I know. I'm going to slip in the operating room and check out your boobs while you're under." 


Wanna play doctor?
OK, so back to where we were. I'm out of surgery. Hottie intern comes over as I am coming too. He tells me he will go get my mom and dad to which I yell through clench jaw "Pstb! Flghbsbbs sytp rghstfe," which somehow he knew was jibberish for, "No, please. They will make me talk and won't leave me alone." He went out and told them I was OK, but that they couldn't see me until I was in a room.


He came back and for the next 4 hours, he never left my bedside. He told me how he went to school to be a pediatrician and was now doing his internship. He shared some other stuff that I was too drugged up to remember, but I do recall him telling me what a great listener I was. 


"I'm sorry it is taking so long for them to get you a room," he said, his kind brown eyes saying he would stay with me until they did. People that had come out of surgery after me had already been taken to their rooms hours ago.


"Hmbfffffqt ftd bpfffft mmrt ffffffffffffffft," I replied.


"Oh, you're a Friends fan? Well don't worry. I'll make sure you are in a room in time to watch the season finale."


"Ffffpbt, (thanks)," I muttered smiling. At least I meant to be smiling.


Several hours later, my room finally became available. My handsome brown eyed doctor wheeled me up. 


"See, I told you I'd get you up here in time for Friends. I've got connections," he said smiling. "Unfortunately, I don't think I'll make it home to watch ER." 


OMG! Was he hitting on me? Did he want me to ask him to stay and watch ER?"


Just as I was contemplating how to make my move, my mom and dad came in and started to talk and ask me questions.


"You don't want to make her talk right now.  She needs to rest so don't ask her questions because she can't and shouldn't answer them right now," he informed my parents, giving me a wink. I gave him a big smile...or not, I was pretty doped up. He squeezed my hand, whispered something to me that I don't recall,  and then walked away.


I woke up and was discharged the next morning. I was hoping I would get to see the hot intern before I left. My mind wandered to the previous night. Had he wanted me to ask him to stay? What sweet nothing had he whispered in my ear? Just then my mom came in, gasped and made one of those horrified faces when she saw me. I guess she thought that the swelling would go down overnight, but apparently, it hadn't. My dad tried to cover with an, your always beautiful to me comment.  I knew it must be bad. I asked for a mirror.


She's hot!
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I had two ice packs around the sides of my face tied together in a big ol' sexy over-sized bow on top of my head and under my chin. My cheeks looked like I was a squirrel packing nuts for winter. My face was a lovely tie-dye combination of black, purple and yellow,with the slightest whisper of green; colors I had never seen before and would never see again in nature or anywhere else. This blend of colors extended from my insanely puffy eyes all the way down to my swollen neck. Man, I looked hot!


I did what any normal person would do. I laughed. 


"Don't forget these," the nurse said handing me what looked like a pair of pliers. Remember to keep them with you at all times.


"What...what are these?" I mumbled.


"Don't you remember?'" My mom asked. "When the intern was leaving last night, he handed you these and whispered, 'Here, these are in case you throw up so you don't choke to death on your vomit.'


I should have asked him out. He definitely wanted me. Any girl that comes with ice packs tied to her purpley-blue face and has her own vomit pliers...I mean, come on, doesn't it just scream CATCH!


Yeah, I'm sexy and I know it.






*Hey, if one or all of my posts make you laugh, please share them (click the FB or Twitter link). Everyone can use a good laugh:) *





















38 comments:

  1. Oh yeah, vomit pliers are certainly the way to a man's heart. Especially if you apply pressure with them just behind the rib cage; it just pops open!

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    1. I was not aware of that. It is good to know for the next time I need to do a quickie open heart surgery;)

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  2. Wow, you've really been through the wringer, haven't you?
    My new favorite blog stop.

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    1. Oh I have been wrung! LOL The good news is, I always have material to write about.

      I'm glad you like my blog, Bev. That makes me happy:) I would smile, you know, if I could.LOL

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  3. Definitely sharing. On the catwalk. lol

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    1. Thanks! And welcome to me blog, Elizabeth. I have a big, yet silly/cheesy goal in like and that is to try to make everyone's day a little better. I think the best way to do that is usually with a laugh, apparently even if it means calling myself out on stupid/humiliating stuff. I have no shame. My last post was about my vagina being on fire.LOL

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    2. Sorry, not sure why I went all leprechaun on you for a minute. That was supposed to say welcome to "my Blog," not "me blog."

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  4. "vomit pliers". Oh man. Best story ever. I can't stop laughing and my kids keep saying, "what?". "What, mom?" "What is so funny." But I can't stop laughing and won't even try to explain why vomit pliers is pretty much the best friggin pick up line I've heard since Artemis on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia told a potential date, "I have a bleached ass-hole."

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    1. LOL OMG, that is great! I have a friend that keeps telling me I need to watch that show. I keep trying, but I always catch it in the middle.

      Yes, not everyone can say they come with their own vomit pliers. I feel that gives me an advantage over the rest.LOL

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  5. For some reason now I can't get that Right Said Fred song "I'm too Sexy" out of my mind. I hate doctors, but I swear if mine even looked like George Clooney I would make up accidents just to go. Instead, my insurance chosen doctor reminds me of Dr. Giggles thats just my luck.

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    1. Please I would stick my pen in my eye right now if I could get a doctor that looked like Clooney! LOL

      BTW, I have been alternating between Sexy and I know it and I'm too Sexy since I wrote the post last night. Here I will try to get it out of your head with this: "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there..."

      You're welcome;) LOL

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    2. OK, for some reason it isn't excepting my reply. It keeps saying "server not found." I don't know why. My server is right here...under my desk! I found it.

      Anyway, yeah I have had both songs stuck in my head since yesterday. Cursed by my own post!

      Oh and if Clooney were my doctor I swear I'd stick this pen in my eye right now!

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  6. Replies
    1. Why thank you;) My brain is a scary place...

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  7. I hate to laugh at your pain, but this is truly one of the funniest posts I've ever read.

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    1. Thanks, Chiz! Feel free to laugh at it. At least me going through it won't have been for nothing!

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  8. As someone who recently had their jaw broken and wired shut . . . OMG - I so understand!!!!!!!!! I posted a pic of my squirrel cheeks to facebook when I was strung out on morphine and thought it was hysterical . . . . yeah . . . not sure still why I thought that was a good idea.

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    1. See, I am SO jealous. I had a pic of mine and it accidentally got thrown out.

      BTW, what kind of sick bastards take our picture at this time like, 'Oh she would want to remember this?" The good news when you are having one of those days when you feel unattractive, you can always look at that photo and think, well at least I don't look THAT bad!

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  9. Vomit pliers...at least he could hold your hair for you. Just don't rub my back ok? That makes me want to punch you in the wanker.

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    1. I'm the same way. I don't want anyone to touch me. When you get that sick even your hair hurts!

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  10. Totally sharing this because while I want to seem kind and sympathetic the fact is you made my day! I love the attitude and you know what - that's what makes you sexy! You know it!

    *~ MAJK ~*
    Twitter @Safireblade
    A to Z Blog Challenge

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    1. Thank you! Glad I made your day:) Hope you'll come back so I can make more of them.

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  11. I like this posts and their are really very hot girls and i like that girls. There are many images of different girls.

    Live girls

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  12. Vomit pliers. Yep. That is awesomeness.

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    1. I know...I know. It just doesn't get much sexier than that!

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  13. I used to flirt with a hot intern at the hospital. One day, my doctor was out, and he had to give me my yearly physical, which meant checking my breasts for lumps. He kept asking me if I wanted a female nurse to do my checkup. I continued to say 'no' because I did not know my breasts would have to be exposed. I thought it was blood work, and nothing else. When he told me I was due for a breast exam, he got beet red. Poor guy.

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    1. OMG! How funny. It is such a catch 22. Would you rather have some old nasty guy fondling your breasts or some hot thing that you could fantasize about?

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  14. I think you have stumbled on a new dating strategy. Get in a wreck, pick up hot doctors. You just have to remember to pick up hot doctors. Also vomit pliers are the new promise ring.

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    1. I think you may be right. Who needs Match.com!

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  15. LOL! Great story. Accidents are so much more pleasant when your doctor or intern is hot. Oh yeah, so much better.

    My doctor is sssst .... hot! I have managed to make myself need 6 operations in the last 4 years just to be near him and it was worth every bit of hurt. I know he enjoys it, too, 'cause he insists that I come see him at least once a year! Yup! He wants me. LOL!

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    1. Take pictures! And what hospital is this? I may have to suffer an internal injury so I can check him out;)

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  16. I don't follow blindly, but I follow you. Sexy? Not sure. Funny? Crapsolutely.

    - Eric

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    1. Thanks! I really appreciate that. Oh and make no mistake I am one sexy thang. LOL

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  17. Replies
    1. I agree! Mainly because if you say a tough woman isn't sexy, she may beat you up;) LOL

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  18. Well, you know, maybe he did get a chance to look at your boobs so was willing to overlook the whole headgear thing.

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