Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Friday, April 6, 2012

F is for Freaks and "F" That


Freaks!  Yup! That’s what I said. Freaks!


A tropical fish boy
 paralyzed by the light
Now normally, I like freaks with their crazy faux hawks dyed blue or yellow and covered in tatts from head to toe. They remind me of big birds or tropical fish that live among us. I like to walk around areas that they are known to frequent like tattoo parlors or Hot Topic and just watch them interacting with others of their kind in their natural habitat.


And you know those people that sport horns that screw into their forehead? Yeah it’s a real thing. Gross, but real. If you ever lived in Orlando, you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, I think those people are very smart and incredibly thoughtful. I mean imagine you’re a girl and you have to go to the bathroom. You go into a stall only to discover there is no place to put your purse. 


"Here let me hold your keys, purse,
coat, hat..." Friendly, practical
 and convenient!
Now, you know you don’t want to set it on the nasty, disgusting, bodily fluid covered floor. So what do you do? Just hang in on your horn. And if you are out and about with your horny friend and don’t want to lug your coat around, Viola! Not only do you have a great friend, you also have a walking coat rack.


Bull thingy
"I said COME HERE!"
I can also appreciate the people that have all of those piercings; especially the ones that have the bull thingy (I believe that is what they are actually called, or at least they are in my head). Anyway, they have them through their nose or have the chain going from their nose to their ear. I always thought this would come in handy for girlfriends or mothers, who could just grab it if the guy wasn't listening and say, “Hey I’m talking to you. Pay attention!” Which of course the guy would have no choice but to do because, well, OWWWWWWWWW! (I mean holy crap that must hurt!)


 And men, don’t think hanging with these freakazoids only benefit women. Let’s face it. They tend to attract a particular type of person, often other freaks or women that want to piss off their parents (Daddy, I'd like you to meet my new fiance,' Fang.) So next to horny with the tatts or holey with the hair, you are suddenly looking pretty damn good no matter how geeky, skinny, chubby, bald or dorky you think you are at least your face won't leak all over your date when you take a drink.  This is one instance when blending in and not sticking out could benefit you. You know, if the chicks are into someone that’s all normal and crap. 

"Do I make you horny, baby?"
(OK, I admit, this is a little extreme) 
My freaks are not limited to people that dress a little out there. I also think people that can do math are total freaks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m envious and appreciative, especially during tax time or when you need to do something important like divvy up Skittles, but if you give me more than 3 numbers to add up at a time, your ass better hand me a calculator!

Tofu - Nature's candy?
Also, in my category of freakdom are people that think Soy milk, diet cookies or muffins, and tofu taste good. I am here to tell you that you are just wrong. No, no…don’t argue with me. Clearly you have some horrible disease that is causing your taste buds to think stuff that actually tastes like crap is yummy. Either that or you may be in the Matrix. You should see a doctor immediately and also consume Oreos, a steak, and real milk (not skim because that is just grayish white colored water. I personally prefer 1%.). Oh! and stay away from “agents,” you know, just in case.  (That is a witty movie reference for those of you that have never seen the Matrix and don't what the hell I'm talking about. I'm clever like that).

Still, I have no problem with these individuals in the freak community. Come on over. Let’s be friends. We’ll hang out. Even you crazy ass soy milk drinkin’, tofu lovin' health nuts. I still want to be friends with you, just don’t cook me dinner…or breakfast…or anything else, EVER! F-that healthy crap.

We're working. We're movin'.
We're in the zone. We're groovin'!
I'm sexy and I know it.
Speaking of healthy crap, there is one freak I cannot tolerate: The fitness freak. Oh, you’ve seen’em and heard’em. They are the ones that say, “Oh, I like to work out,” or “Working out is fun.”  Clearly these people have never had actual fun because if they had, they would know working out sucks. Yes, it is something that you do and something that you should do, but fun? I don’t think so sista! You are wrong and you need to be slapped.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried to like working out. I rode the exercise bike. (I clocked over 200 miles on that thing and never even got out of the gym!) I tried the Stairmaster, but never did make it to the top. I never got into anything like track when I was younger because to me it was like, '"Hey run that way reallllllllllllly fast for no apparent reason until you come back to this exact same spot." Why couldn't I stay in the spot to begin with? If my goal is to get to this spot, why should I run away from it?

Flirty Girl Fitness
I even tried something nontraditional. I bought the Flirty Girl Fitness DVDs, or as I like to call them, White girls can't dance. I tried to catch on, but seeing as I never had any previous stripper training, I kept messing up. So I decided maybe if I sat down and watched I could grasp it more easily. As I watched intently, trying to learn the steps, I started to get hungry so I got some Ben -n- Jerry's Moose Tracks from the freezer and ate it. One and two and spoon in carton and lift and turn and lift to mouth and bite. Again..and one and two... All that ice cream and watching them dance like that really wore me out. So I took a nap. When I woke up the women on the DVD with their hair and make-up still perfectly in place and not a drop of sweat to be found, were patting each other on the back and saying what a great job we did.

 Good workout. I'm exhausted. I felt the burn as I got off the couch and walked to the kitchen to throw the empty ice cream carton away and even that wasn't fun. It's pretty bad when you can add ice cream to something and it still sucks.The only muscles I don't mind working out regularly are my digestive ones and well, my vocal cords because, after all, I am a woman and it is my God given right to talk, bitch and consume chocolate.

Their coming....
So to all of you inexhaustibly, peppy fitness freaks in your perfectly color coordinated outfits with matching iPods, don't come to my house saying stupid stuff like, "It's Saturday morning. Let's get up at 7am and jog! It'll be fun! Don't you want to be healthy? Don't you want to beat your personal best? What if there is a Zombie Apocalypse and they take over the Earth? Don't you want to be able to run away?"

To you freaks of nature I say, Get away! No! I don't want to get up at 7am. I don't want to be healthy  And I don't have a personal best! I'm at my personal best when I am left in peace to sit on my couch, eat junk food and watch mind numbing TV shows like Modern Family or The Vampire Diaries. And if Zombies suddenly take over the Earth and they are chasing us, don't worry about me. I'll trip you.

 


21 comments:

  1. I am a freak who likes working out. I hope we can still be friends. In my defense, I had to learn to like it, cuz I put on a LOT of weight and had to get it off with diet and exercise. (Check out my other blog for the fat me photos in the tab at the top. www.theredbookexperiment.blogspot.com).

    The best workouts are the ones that you don't realize are workouts, like swimming and Zumba. Ok so Zumba is an obvious workout, but It makes me laugh the whole time, b/c I'm a white girl too and CANNOT dance. It ends up being 45 minutes of hilarity.

    Also, I like races, but I doubt I'd out run a zombie.

    And diet cookies are gross.

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    1. First of all, wow, you look amazing. That must have been terribly hard and taken a lot of commitment. Good for you!

      I like swimming and racquetball. Those I don't mind doing. I tried Zumba, but can't do it because of my injury (bad accident when I was 21). Although I think I would've liked it, especially if I could have filmed it and sent it to America's Funniest Home Videos and won money. I too shake it like a white girl;)

      We can still be friends. 1) because you won't bring me diet cookies and 2) because I made need to trip you if zombies were around. Ooooo! or maybe we could do a whole Zumba/zombie routine like Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

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  2. People that like diet stuff and tofu may very well be zombies. It's equally unnatural and scary.

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    1. Totally agree. Although even zombies are smart enough to choose brains over tofu!

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  3. I had a roommate who did that exercise at 6AM crap. It didn't make sense because I would exercise at 6PM and get the same results.

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  4. Wait, you want my -ass- to hand you a calculator? Are you sure about that? Sounds pretty freaky to me.

    And running... why? I mean, unless you need to run to catch your food or run because you are food, what's the point? I never saw a hamburger try to run away.

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    1. Exactly! The only thing I run after is an ice cream truck!

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  5. new to blogging...been looking for blogs that reach out and touch my funny bone, my soul-bone, or my brain-bone. so far, most have done naught but touch my ass-bone. i have developed a short list of blogs to follow thru this A to Z thing so far, and i enjoy them. i do. yours, however, will be the first that i recommend to EVERY FRIEND I HAVE. so, expect your "follow' number to increase...by at least two. you're welcome(you can send me some leg-warmers as a "thank you" gift, if you like, but don't feel obligated).

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    1. Yay! Thanks Aubree:) I would send you leg-warmers, but my time machine is broken so I don't have the ability to go back to 1984 and get them.

      I'm glad you like my blog. Some people don't get my sense of humor. I choose to believe it is because they have none of their own.

      Hey I live in Georgia too. Well, I'm from Michigan originally but live here now. Because you actually live here and will probably get it more than most, you might want to check out my RIP Common Sense or Let's all go to the Tallapoosa Possum Drop posts.

      I'll work on the leg-warmers;)

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  6. Hahahaha! OMG! I laughed all the way through this post! AND, it reflected my exact sentiments. Thank you soo much for the good laugh.
    I am new to blogging and don't even have a theme yet, but thank goodness for this challenge 'cause I have found your blog. Yay! I am definitely following.
    (wanders off, still laughing)

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    1. Welcome, Janyce! I'm glad you like it. I don't get too caught up on a theme about one thing, but focus more on the overall tone (which hopefully comes off as sarcastic and funny:) That way I can write about any and everything. But that is what works for me. My advice is to write about something you love /enjoy because that way you will never feel like writing is an obligation.

      Thank you for following me! I hope to make you laugh a lot more.

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  7. Yeah, freaks don't really think zu,ba is fun...they just want me to join them because misery desperately wants company...and probably some of my chocolate!

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    1. I agree. But don't join. I'll meet you in the back of the class. We'll eat chocolate and make fun of people trying to have rhythm:)

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  8. hahahaha love it, love you!!! Andrea is right misery loves company haha

    I also add the 100% natural in the water and nothing else matters childbirth brigade, they tell me ORGASM is possible WTH??? lol

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    1. Yeah, those ones aren't only freaks, they are freakin' crazy! The kid is already done baking by then. Bring on the drugs!I think those nut jobs, uh, I meand parents do that just so that they can hold it over the kids head some day so that they won't pull the plug to early or put them in a home. Either that or they are TOTAL sado masochists!

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  9. If God had meant us to exercise he wouldn't have invented sofas.

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  10. The worst kinds of fitness freaks are facebook fitness freaks - the ones who update their status twice a day with random uselss information such as, I ran 1000 miles, swam 2000 miles, cycled 3000 miles, consumed 1200 kcals, lost 3 inches, gained 7 inches and all before breakfast!

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    1. OMG! I totally agree. I go on Facebook to escape; not to be reminded that I should be exercising! Those freaks are so inconsiderate!

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  11. Saw a guy who had his nose stretched similar to how people do their ears. WTF!!??!!

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    1. OMG! NO..no..no...ewwwwww. What is wrong with people? BTW I have reconsidered my stance and don't think I can hang out with the horned ones. Yes, they may be practical but they give me the heebies and the geevies!

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