Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

E is for The Epidemic - Kids for Sale?

Take my kids...pleeeeeeease.

Alright, I don't have kids, except for the furry variety. But there is a new epidemic among people that have actual human kids. It all started one day when I was driving and I saw the following sign:




My first thought was how huge are these kids? Are we talking Paul Bunyan size kids? Why are they selling them? Too expensive to feed? To clothe? It must be a total bitch to try to find school clothes that fit. Maybe that was why.

I didn't think much more about it until I came across another sign a few weeks later:



300 moms selling kids and at bargain prices? What could these children have possibly done? Is that why they are on sale? My mind flashed back to when I was little and my brother used to blackmail me into doing stuff by telling me if I didn't my parents would give me away. Apparently he didn't think they could get any money for me. Now, I didn't think my parents would actually give me away, so when I would refuse to do what he wanted he would hold me down, grab my arm, make me smack myself in the face and say, "Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?" He also used to tell me that they found me in a garbage can or that I was adopted. (Don't worry I got even. One day, my 14 year old nephew came to me looking for dirt he could use against his dad when he wanted to do stuff. I told him to ask his dad about the time he was 16 and spent the night in jail for trying to do a beer run. Then I told my nephew if his dad said anything, tell him I said that was for the time when I was 8 and he locked me outside at night in the dead of Winter with no shoes and in my puppy dog nightgown.

Hey, you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Anyway, when I saw that kids were on sale, I thought, I have some friends that want kids. Maybe I could do my Christmas shopping early. But then I thought, where would I store them until next Christmas? They'd probably get all whiny and be like, I'm hungry. I need food. I have to go to the bathroom. These air holes aren't big enough. After a few days of consideration, I thought, well it won't hurt to go look. Sadly, I was to late, or I just couldn't actually find the sale. (Same thing happens when I try to find a "Moving Sale." I go to where they are supposed to be, but by the time I get there, you guessed it, they have moved. And as I am not in the market for a garage or a yard, I rarely stop at those...unless it's a really nice yard.)

I was a little bummed, but then I figured, the good ones probably would have been all picked over, leaving only some really bad ones. I mean, isn't that why their moms were selling them? I did think how nice it would have been to pick up some bad ones and UPS them to my brother, but que sera sera.

Over the next few days, I kept thinking what is with this sudden epidemic of mothers trying to sell their children? How bad could these children have actually been? Then I came across another sign:




Whoa, wait a minute! Wow, not even cool kids were safe? And they had them on consignment? What is going on? How does that work? Do the parents drop the kids off at a shop or is it like a layaway thing? Are boys or girls more expensive? Do you pay more if they are in good condition? Do I get a discount if I buy like 7 or 8? I figure I could get 1 or 2 for myself, then buy some and put them up for my friends. Surely, cool kids wouldn't complain about wanting food or larger air holes in their boxes. Maybe I could even take them out and play with them every once in a while before I gave them away. I would let them eat or use the bathroom if they, say loaded my dishwasher? Vacuumed? Hey, maybe I could get them to take care of my lawn problem! I have to be honest, it was tempting.

I decided not to get any just yet. I hope to be moving soon and didn't want to have to use any extra boxes to store them that could be used for something else like books or dishes. I opted to wait until the big Memorial day sale or after Christmas sale when I can maybe get them on clearance or come across a 2 for 1. I wonder what the return policy is on that? I guess if I get them and they are mean, evil and rotten and the moms won't take them back I can just ship them to my brother.


Payback's a bitch;)

Tomorrow's Post: F is for Freaks and "F"- that!


47 comments:

  1. Honestly, I don't need an entire child. If you find someone that sells them for parts, I can use a leg. My niece always complains of leg pain when we take my dog for a walk, and I would like to replace it.

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    1. Gotta be honest. I wouldn't mind stocking up on some spare parts either for my nieces and nephews, or even myself if they'll fit.

      I'll let you know if I come across any;)

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    2. Nellie, that is the plot of Unwind. You should totally read it. Great YA fiction.

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  2. Nellie's reply reminds me of one of my friends who always says she loves kids - but can never manage a whole one in one sitting!

    Love this post, though!

    SueH I refuse to go quietly!

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    1. LOL Sue. I'm with her. I like kids I can give back. I am my nieces and nephews favorite aunt. I get them all wound up, give them sugary drinks and candy, then sent them back to their parents while I go sit, relax and have a nice cup of tea;)

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    2. This is EXACTLY what I tell people! I like other people's kids that I can play with, spoil, for a day or a week or whatever - and then give BACK!

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  3. I love this post! I may reconsider having kids if there's a facility for giving them back. . . :)

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    1. Totally agree, Ellen. That's why I love having nieces and nephews, one afternoon of babysitting and I remember how much I love kids and how much I love to give them back to their parents at the end of the day:)

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  4. No, thank you. I have enough already. You buy me kids for Christmas and we're going to have to throw down.

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    1. Oh, I think I could take you, Flip.LOL

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  5. Hi Shay, forst time visitor and great to meet you! Laughing pretty hard at the kids for sale and consignment pics. I'm thinking Kathy Bates would be the one trying to sell them, as in Rat Race where she was trying to sell squirrels.


    Uh oh. I see your Word Verification (WV) is still on. I'm on a mission to rid the world of this unnecessary evil frustration! Please stop by my blog and select the How To Turn Off Your Word Verification tab and help make the world a better place one blog at a time.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey Stephen! I think you are right about Kathy Bates:)

      I was just going to ask my readers if mine was on. I thought I turned it off. I hate those things. I'm going to do it now. Thanks for telling me!

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    2. YAY! I got it turned off now:) Thanks SO much for telling me. I always feel like those things are a test (and I usually fail!)

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  6. Haha! I really liked the post and I think I am going to love reading more of your work. Really enjoyable! Thank you :)

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    1. Thanks and welcome. Yeah, you'll see I am completely out of my mind, but that's OK- sanity is boring or at least that's what my other personalities tell me;)

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  7. LOL! That was funny! Thanks for such a hilarious post!

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    1. You're welcome and thanks for coming by, Marta! I promise, there is more where that came from;)

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  8. I have never seen any kids sale signs. Not that I want anymore. I have one and she is only a few years from leaving and I am not looking to replace.
    That is just funny!

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    Replies
    1. I see them all the time. If you ever change your mind, let me know. I can direct you to some or maybe pick you some up. Gives whole new meaning to the phrases: "I have to go kid shopping" or "...shopping for the kids."

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    2. Reminds me of High School where there was a fundraiser, and you'd get a little hand written sticker afterwards to show that you'd donated. I happily wore my "I gave to World Hunger" sticker for several hours, until I saw someone wearing a sticker that said "I gave to prevent World Hunger."

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    3. Oh, that's great. Kind of like wearing a button that says "I support AIDS" while everyone else is wearing an I support AIDS prevention.LOL

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    4. Or maybe even more appropriately, "I support a CURE for AIDS!"

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  9. I'll take a pack of cool kids. Chances are that one of them will make it big, and I can mooch off their success.

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    1. OMG, Chiz! I thought the exact same thing. You have to get an athlete, singer or CEO out of the bunch, right? Plus when I am old and decrepit there will be someone to take care of me.LOL

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  10. When I was a kid, my sister tried to convince me that I was adopted. My response,"Then how come I look so much like mom."

    She replied, "Cuz she was adopted too."

    You cannot beat that logic.

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    1. LOL That's true! Wow, she was prepared. That quick wit reminds me of something that happened to a friend of mine.

      Her son (about 6 or 7) came up to her one day and said, "Mommy, what's porn?"

      Without batting an eye she said, "Oh honey, porn is what you call it when you boil potatoes and corn together."

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    2. Can you imagine if that kid ever asked his grandma if she ever made porn? LOL!!

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    3. LMAO! OMG, could you imagine if she said, "Yes."

      Can opened; Worms EVERYWHERE!

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  11. Oh my hell, Shay! You have me LOLing again! I love your sense of humor--nice and twisted like mine.

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    1. That is my favorite kind of humor: twisted!

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  12. Speaking from a father's point of view, I can't believe these people think they will get a dime. We had to give them away AND provide free delivery (joking).

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, I don't think you were joking;) See I will go shopping for them the day after Christmas. That way, not only will they be like 70% off, but they will also come with cool toys like Kinetics or Barbies (do girls still play with barbies?)

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  13. Why didn't I see any of these sales BEFORE labor (well 9 months before that even, I guess)? If you see any signs giving away discount college degrees for the two I have, please let me know!

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    1. I promise I'll keep an eye out for you! Will any degree do, or are you looking for something that will impress people like a degree in neurosurgery or quantum physics or are you cool with gym teacher certificate?

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  14. I am rolling on the floor right now! Your blog is hilarious... and thanks for the idea - now I know what to do with MY kids; since they're now teenagers and I certainly don't need them anymore! ;)

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    1. Thank you! I can let you know when there is another 300 Moms sale. I think the best time to see would be right around Mother's Day. A Mother's day gift for their new mom and you;)LOL

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  15. When my twins were tiny, their dad would say he wouldn't sell them for all the money in the world. Six months later he was offering buy one get one free. Never got any takers :-)

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    1. LOL He should have called Brad and Angelina. I bet they would have taken them off your hands!

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  16. I used to just threaten to put mine on the street corner with a free sign.

    FREE!

    I threaten that now, and they just laugh at me. They totally call my bluff. Damn me for raising smart kids.

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    1. Ahhh, foiled by your own good parenting!

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  17. You know, you really don't want any left over from Christmas. Most of those have been opened and resealed and usually have pieces missing.

    And I still have a comment about sharks as soon as I can get back to it.

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  18. We take ours to goodwill once they are no longer accepted on our tax return. That way we get one more deduction.

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  19. I think this might be my favorite post of yours so far :)

    As for me, I'd have to avail myself of those yard and garage and estate sales before I could get a kid - so I'd have someplace to put them. And maybe a tag sale so I could tell them apart.

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    1. Thank you.

      BTW, I recommend the attic or one of those space bags. It shrinks them down so you can store more;)

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    2. I have space bags! - Still need an estate, garage, or yard to put them in...

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