OK, I am writing this now because I have something floating around in my head that I can't get out. Well, it's not so much floating as it is bouncing off brain tissue like someone is kicking a soccer ball around my head and irking the shit out of me.
Have you ever had an idea in your head that you think might be true, but that you hope to God you were just being paranoid about? You know, like one day you'll be lying on the beach or at a baseball game and out of nowhere, a meteor will plunge into the earth and end life as we know it? Could it be true? Sure. It could happen. But it is also ridiculous to be on edge and constantly paranoid that it really would happen.
However, I am thinking more along the lines of a back handed "compliment" for example: "You are really pretty, I mean especially compared to the dog you used to be;" or while talking to your best friend about running into your ex having her say in passing: " Don't even bother thinking about him. I mean he was such a jerk. I never told you this, but about 5 years ago while you guys were dating he and I made out twice. The guy is a total dirtbag."
These things put you in an akward situation. Do you say "Thank you" for saying I'm pretty, or get hurt and angry that the person likened you to a dog? And what about the best friend comment? Obviously you know your ex was a jerk, but are you just supposed to slough of the fact that your befri made out with him even though it was 5 years ago? If you walk up and punch her in the face or put Nair in her shampoo bottle, does that make you the asshole?
For a long time, I had my suspicions of something, but had never had any confirmation and to be honest, I would probably have prefered to believe it was me being paranoid or overly critical because it was something that 1) Proved me right and validated everything I thought (and that isn't necessarily a good thing); and 2) makes the other person a total douchebag.
I know what you are thinking: Why do you care what a total douchebag thinks or says? Well, I would like to say that I don't. I have always prided myself on never giving weight to the opinion or advice of someone whose life I don't respect. I think that is what is bothering me most: the fact that I consider myself to be a confident, happy, forward thinking person that lets the negative comments (and people) slide right off of me, yet I can't shake this thing out of my head and the stupid anxiety it is causing me.
It is the equivalent of having someone tell you, "OMG you look so amazing. You've lost so much weight. Yeah your thighs are still a little big, but you should be proud of what you've accomplished." We automatically focus on the negative. What most people (or women at least) will walk away with is my thighs are fat. You don't want to think that way, but somehow the next time you are working out or trying to buy jeans, it will creep into you head out of nowhere like a little cockroach gnawing at your brain.
If anyone has any suggestions or ideas on how they squash thoughts like this, or if you have one that you need help squashing, please feel free to share.
I wrote this post for therapy, which is not something I normally do. I am hoping by writing it down, it will remove the cockroach and soccer player from my brain and allow sunshine and rainbows and ponies back inside. If this doesn't work, I am off to buy a can of Raid to spray into my ears in an attempt to fumigate the hell out of it.