Seriously - WTH?

Calling out the stupid...and boy is there a lot to call out.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Nominees for Dumb Ass Of the Year Award

With the year coming to a close, many different countdowns are emerging: Top 100 songs of 2011; Top 10 Best Dressed; Top 20 Dumbest Criminals; the list goes on and on. So, in the interest of being a team player, I have compiled my own top 10 list of 2011. I give you the:
                         
                      Top 10 Nominations for the Dumb Ass of the Year Award




Nominee Number One: People with the Stupidest Profile Pictures

The Bird – This photographic pioneer has come up with what he believes to be a ground breaking idea. The picture may vary a little, but for the most part it includes the following: a guy wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cutoff, a hat on backwards, with an I think I am cooler than I am face flipping off the camera. I have no idea why someone would do this. Did you have your finger chopped off in a terrible paper cut accident, have it reattached and are holding it up as a tribute to the doctor that performed the surgery? Maybe you just discovered it and are fascinated with it like when a baby girl discovers her feet and sucks on them or a baby boy discovers his wee-wee, grabs hold and doesn’t let go until his mid-thirties. To me flipping of a camera is equivalent to the droves of people that went out and got tribal tattoos in the effort to be original. It shows you are a free thinker and have a way of expressing yourself that is usually only found in punk teenage boys and drug addicted stars.

The Flasher – A new trend amongst teenage boys is photographing themselves in front of a mirror, pulling up their shirt and showing their abs. My niece’s Facebook page is littered with photos of guys doing this. While I must admit, the muscles are impressive (For some reason it seems as though the teenage boys today are built like the 25 year old guys of yesterday), I can’t help noticing that while the abs are well developed, it looks as though the brain is not and as though the next word out of their mouths will be, “Der!”  Maybe they should show off their six-packs because in 15 years, my guess is they will all be sporting kegs and will be much less likely to share that with the world.

My nieces demonstrating "duck lips."
Duck lips – Apparently, teenage girls have decided the hot, sexy thing to do is to pose with their lips stuck out like a duck. Did I miss the memo? Are ducks the new “in” thing? Are people clamoring to plastic surgeons, bypassing the Julia Roberts and Angelina pout in favor of the Gilbert Godfrey voiced AFLAC duck bill look?

Nominee Number Two: Prison Inmate Wannabes

I am of course referring to those fashion forward morons that wear their pants around their knees. This look originated in prison where belts are not allowed. So unless you are looking to be ass raped, pull up your pants and buy a freakin’ belt.

Nominee Number Three: Bank of America

Bank of America is nominated for several reasons. First is their telephone system. If you are attempting to get a loan, you are connected immediately. If however, you have a question about your current loan you are put through a maze of transfers with the occasional disconnections until they finally send you back to the person you spoke with in the first place, whom, upon picking up the phone, “accidentally” disconnects you causing you to rack up a $9k phone bill and hurl your phone against the wall at warp speed, shattering it to pieces.

The second reason is because of their bright idea to try to charge their customers a $5 fee to use their own money. This is too stupid to even comment on as was proven by customer outrage and was pulled before it was ever put into effect. Seriously, how much dope were they smoking when they came up with that concept? 

On that note, who was the brainiac that came up with the company name? Bank of America…BOA…as in boa constrictor. As in take you and squeeze every last dime from you and leave you for dead. Genius!

Nominee Number Four: The Language Inventors

This group includes anyone that utters the phrase, “Know what I’m sayin’?”  “Ya feel me?” or anything ending in “izzle.” If you have to ask, “Know what I’m sayin?” then we probably don’t know because you are too high to actually make any sense or you are just plain old talking out of your ass. Same with “Ya feel me?“ No, I don’t “feel ya” nor do I want to. "Know what I’m sayin’” and "Ya feel me" have replaced “Ummmm…” as this century’s vocalized pause. Anyone that says this should be put in solitary confinement so that they can figure out what they are saying so that we don’t have to try.

Moving on to what I refer to as the “Izzlers.” In an attempt to bolster their vocabulary, Izzlers have added a new suffix to the English language…although I am not certain it is English. I believe Snoop Dog started this trend. The suffix “izzle” is placed on the end of every word. For example, a normal, educated person may say something like “For real, my friend.” Where an Izzler would respond with, “For rizzle, my Shizzle.” In this instance they have not only changed real to rizzle but they have also taken the extra time to develop a new term of endearment “Shizzle.” To me this new language is the lazy man’s Pig Latin.

Nominees Number Five: The Grammatically Challenged

I realize this one makes me sound snobby and that I may not always use perfect grammar, but this is my list of pet peeves and these are my nominees, so I am including them. The phrases “a whole nother” and “all of a sudden” are not really phrases. What, exactly, is a “nother”? And what about “all of a sudden…”? Can you have half of a sudden” or some of a sudden”?

Nominees Number Six: People too Stupid to Change the Toilet Paper Roll

Some individuals (and let’s be honest, they are usually men) are too stupid to know how to change a toilet paper roll. I would ask, “How hard is it?" but it is apparently a lot harder than I realize. I have created easy to follow instructions for these intellectually handicapped dumb asses:

1.     Notice that toilet paper roll is empty. * Please Note: One square left also indicates an empty roll;
2.     Remove toilet paper roll from holder;
3.     Throw empty roll into garbage;
4.     Put new roll on holder and replace holder;
5.     Feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and give yourself a pat on the back after you wash your hands, of course.

Nomination Number Seven: Car Companies

I don’t know when it happened, but it appears the newer models of cars are being made without turn signals. I must qualify this by saying I drive an older car that has turn signals so I can only comment on this from observation. Finding it hard to believe that so many drivers will see you waiting to turn without actually putting their signal on to let you know there is enough time to pull out seems implausible. Therefore I can only conclude that car makers decided turn signal were an unnecessary feature and replaced them with something more practical like blue tooth or satellite radio.


Nomination Number Eight: People that Refer to Themselves in the Third Person

You were given a name so that other people could address you. While many are guilty of this, one celebrity in particular springs to mind. Michael Vick. I am paraphrasing to some degree, but I have heard him say things along the lines of No one can hate Michael Vick. Everyone loves Michael Vick. News flash Mike, Shay thinks Michael Vick sucks monkey balls. Go on the computer or open an English book and research pronouns.

Nomination Number Nine:The Republican Party

Screwing themselves
It seems as though every week there is a new front runner. The other candidates spend all of their time bashing whoever is this week’s political darling until they knock that person completely off of the pedestal. Now, putting any political affiliations you might have aside, doesn’t it seem like they are doing the Democrats’ work for them? The nominees are already giving all of the reasons why they won’t vote for each other. When the voting is done and the dust settles, what will be the Republican Candidate’s slogan? Vote for me because I am less of a flip-flopping lying, cheating, embezzling, train wreck of a politician than the other guy? And while I realize that by saying the word “politician” flip-flopping lying, cheating, embezzling as well as greedy, self-serving backstabber are already implied, shouldn’t they be saving that kind of pillow talk for the opposing parties? 


Nomination Number Ten: A Tie

The final nomination is a toss up between The Kardashians and The Jersey Shore. I don’t believe anything else needs to be said.




Honorable Mentions:


Justin Bieber’s Nonbaby Mama

Was this chick really surprised when she received death threats from Bieber fans after she claimed to have given birth to Justin’s baby? Plus, she had already claimed that approximately three other guys were the baby daddy. Did she think it wouldn’t come out? What was she hoping to gain? Did she think it would gain her Bieber’s attention and he would look at her and say, “I know you just falsely accused me of being your baby, baby, baby’s father, but you are just crazy enough to make me want to date you. You got spunk and I want to make you one less lonely girl!”

Now, I am sure there are many more nominees that I have forgot to include like the idiot driving 35 in the fast lane because she is talking on the phone or the friend that would rather spend 2 hours texting back and forth instead of having a 10 minute phone call. Ya know what I’m sayin’? Ya, feel me? For rizzle my schizzle. Word!


Kayne West - Nominated for one of the largest cases of foot in mouth disease. Yes, he may be talented, but why does he think ANYONE cares about his opinion?


Charlie Sheen - Now there are a number of things that could have landed him on this list: His claim to have "tiger blood," his harem of "goddesses" that, let's be honest, are anything but or maybe for coming up with the non-catchiest (it's a word) most anoying phrase/word of the year: "Winning."  However, I think what makes him most eligible for Dumb Ass of the Year is getting fired from his cake walk, Two and a Half Men job that paid him a million dollars an episode. Dumb Ass!


While we are on the Two and a Half Men subject, let's throw in Ashton Kutcher too for being dumb enough to break up with someone as smokin' hot as Demi Moore after he spent all of that time gushing about how happy he was and how great they were together. In the words of my niece, "Don't give up the love of your life for the ho of the night!"

Who would you nominate for dumb ass of the year award and why?


5 comments:

  1. I agree with many of those. Not all but that's what makes this America and everyone else jealous. I love the language inventors one. My kids have a new one that seems to be a license to say what ever they want. Hey dad....I got drunk last night..."JUST SAYIN". Adults, however, can't use that ie: Honey, those jeans make your ass look huge...."JUST SA.... The End.

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  2. I am very familiar with "Just sayin'." I should point out there is also a Facebook/text message version of "just sayin'" That also allows you to say whatever you want. For example:

    "Man, you are a psychotic bitch! You are also ugly and your mama dresses you funny. I can't believe anyone in their right mind would date you. LOL"

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  3. Nice list, Shay, but what happened to 7 and 8? Also, did you really google "Elephant Sex" to find that pic? Haha! Good stuff.

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  4. LOL Chris blog spot kept giving me trouble when I was adding pictures. I had to fix it because it kept cutting out things. I guess it cut out 7 & 8. Eh, throw the honorable mentions up there;) You can even add me in as one of the dumbasses! And yes, I googled elephant sex. Sadly, I am clearly not the first considering they hAD a picture.LOL

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  5. Fixed it Wojo...even added some more honorable mentions;)

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